Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!

Things have been moving along here as we get geared up for Christmas. This week has been full of Christmas baking, kids concerts and planning our holiday get togethers. I really feel like we need a nice, peaceful holiday and not a holiday where we are running so much that we don't have time to look around at what is truly most important to our family. I am looking forward to a Christmas with less fuss this year. Jeff, once again, finished up our shopping early so we just need to do a few last minute things which is so nice. Very happy to have a husband who doesn't mind shopping and is happy to jump in and make sure the boys are happy at Christmas. When I look back at the last few Christmas's, we have really had to simplify things. I havn't been up to doing my usual all day shop-a-thons and baking sessions. It's actually made Christmas a lot nicer and more relaxed so maybe this is a tradition that we will keep up in the many years to come.

I am recovering very well from surgery. It's hard to believe that it's been 6 weeks already. I went and saw my oncologist on Wednesday and everything is just as we expected. We spoke alot about different treatment options but none of these are available for me at the present time. Although, it's nice not to have to go for chemotherapy or radiation it is also disappointing that this is because there is no such treatment available for people with this type of cancer. (stage IV metastatic melanoma) It's not that I don't need any further treatment but that there is nothing available. So we wait. The chances I will have another recurrence is very likely and if this does happen then hopefully once again it will be operable. Every day that I remain "No Evidence of Disease" I look as another day for treatment in this area to advance and for someone to finally find a cure.

It is very difficult some days to remain optimistic and hopeful especially after another recurrence. This last return has been extremely difficult for all of us. It has reaffirmed that this isn't going away and has become almost a chronic illness. I have recently had many times of feeling scared, angry and upset that we all have to deal with this. I sometimes find it very difficult to even go to the doctor. This past week I would have rather scrubbed toilets than go back to Cancer Care. I almost had a panic attack the night before dreading this trip in. This may not only have been because I sometimes just get so tired of going to the doctors but also because this was my first time going back to see my doctor since we lost Earl. Earl and I both had the same Oncologist looking after us and it brought up alot of sadness for me going to see him again. I miss him so much. Jeff came with me and this comforted me and I was able to get through it just fine. I left there having all of my questions answered and also like we had some sort of plan for my future treatment. Although, I don't like to plan too far away I also need to know that there is some sort of plan there.

I feel very grateful that I am still able to be out and about living life in an almost "normal" way. I'm able to get out of bed every morning, do every day activities and still get alot of joy out of life. A trip to Cancer Care can sometimes make me realize how fortunate I really am and that I had better not take that for granted. So, since I still have a couple of weeks before I go back to work I am really going to enjoy the season and spend lots of time with my family really feeling blessed for what we have together.

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas full of love and joy and a healthy and happy 2012!

Latest news...

I am super excited to share my most recent results that I got back today. I decided after finding out that I can't get in to see my oncologist for another two weeks to at least try and get my brain MRI results. My gamma nurse called me back this morning to let me know that it came back stable! So happy to hear this news since I have been stressed and worried for the last several weeks about what was going on up there. I think that having this whole issue with my lungs again has just re-inforced that it can and will pop up anywhere at anytime. My medical staff seem to be happily surprised whenever my MRI results come back stable so this is great but it also tells me that this isn't the norm and I worry about how long it will remain this way. Not long after I returned to work I started having some headaches again. I tried to ignore it and put it down to being tired and just having to get used to working full time again. Of course, in the back of my mind I was wondering if the stress of returning to work and being busy again would cause my body to cave and relapse again. So happy to know that this is not the case and maybe I am tougher than I thought. I have to find some sort of trust in my body again that it will do what it needs to in order to keep those nasty cells from multiplying again and turning into a tumour.

It is definitely hard to wait for results ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE SITTING IN YOUR CHART. It makes me feel that the system is failing me and that they are not as on top of things as I had hoped. I know that my pathology is going to come back as metastatic melanoma (apparently they could tell since it was black) but I have several questions about it like: how big? any lymph nodes affected? what now? I am very anxious to get in to see my doctor to have these and many more questions answered. I decided to reach out and get some information on my own and find out more about treatment options. I had a great conversation with a lady from Ontario this morning who is super involved in the melanoma world and has many connections and lots of information about things like treatment. It was very informative and now I have even more to speak to my doctor about. I did find out that the treatment that I have received so far is not offered anywhere else in Canada in my situation. This may be a good thing or it may not. I would hope that I am getting the top of the line treatments offered to me. If there is something better, then of course I want it.

My last blog I talked about my difficulties in the hospital with my last surgery. I have since found out that I was ticked off with the anesthesia people when it was actually the surgical resident that was the problem. I wouldn't have really known who he was since he never did introduce himself. I had a lengthy conversation with the patient advocate representative from the hospital and had all of my concerns heard. Sounds like a case of an arrogant surgeon (go figure). I've decided to put this behind me and just be thankful that the surgery was successful. I'm sure this won't be the last time I run into a health care professional that "doesn't get it".

So I started typing this blog the other day and am picking off where I left off with the newest information that I received today. After getting tired of waiting for my oncologist to give me my pathology back I decided to make an appointment with my GP and get them from her which is what I did today. I am not always the most patient of patients. It seems that I was the only one not in the loop and not knowing what was going on. The news was good in that it did come back as metastatic melanoma with clear margins and no involvment of lymph nodes. In fact, they didn't mention anything about lymph nodes on the pathology report so I have no idea what my surgeon was seeing in there. So that is that! Unfortunately, there is no chemotherapy or radiation that they can offer me so that is the end of my treatment for now. I will be seeing him next week so then I can discuss a plan with him. The treatment options are changing frequently with melanoma as they are learning more and more about it and trying different ways to treat it all the time especially recently. Hopefully they will come up with something soon. I've heard of several new therapies which are in clinical trials right now. Right now I am feeling great! Very relieved and happy to be back to my No Evidence of Disease status!!

It's too bad that we just can't seem to stay away from the hospital though. My Mom fell the other day and broke her arm so she has been in the hospital ever since waiting to get in for surgery. We are really hoping and praying that they get her in today. She is on the waiting list right now so whenever one of them has time she will get in. They are controlling her pain well and she has a sweet nurse who is taking really good care of her. Nurses make all the difference in the world! Thank you to all of the wonderful, caring and compassionate nurses out there who do such an amazing job and don't get the recoginition they so deserve.

So, hopefully things calm down around here so that we can have a nice, peaceful Christmas. Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays so far and taking time to enjoy the small things.