Thursday, December 1, 2016

Living it all

So my hope is that by the end of this post you have some sort of update that makes sense and gives you an idea of how things have been going. There has been quite a lot of changes since I wrote last.  I had a follow up MRI in October and the results were very mixed. The area that was concerning on the last scan has actually improved drastically. The area of necrosis or dead tissue had started resolving on its own which the doctors were very puzzled about and found very odd. How happy were we since this meant that I didn't need the surgery which would have been needed. So glad they waited a bit to see what would happen. Our bodies are very miraculous things!  The tough news was that a tumour on the other side (the left) which had previously been treated with gamma knife had grown quite a bit and I needed to go in for gamma knife again - #6.

The decision to start the new treatment Pembrolizumab was made pretty quickly and a few days later I went in for my first treatment. It was hard stopping the oral chemotherapy I'd been on for the last few years since I felt great on it and it was still working really well from the neck down. I 'm so very grateful that this drug worked so much longer for me than anyone ever expected. This gave the time for them to come out with something newer and better. There has never been any such drug for melanoma to the brain that works this well before so it's very exciting! They say I'm what they call an exceptional responder and since this new chemo works in the brain it is a really good option for me. So this treatment is taken intravenously every 3 weeks and I will remain on it long term. For this reason I am heading in to have a port-a-cath on Monday so they can have better access. I was really nervous about this but while in for gamma knife I met a sweet lady with melanoma from Saskatchewan who showed me her port and talked about her experience with it. Very reassuring for me.

So the day after my first treatment which went really well I started getting a headache which progressively got worse. We headed in to the emergency department after speaking to them at cancer care. The on call oncologist there was so knowledgeable about both my disease and the new drug I had been started on. Made things go so much smoother as she had contacted neurosurgery and let them know to expect me. Not going to say I didn't have to wait what felt like forever about 3 hours but they did get me in for a brain MRI so that was good. It did show a lot of swelling in there and it looked like quite a bit of growth in the tumour. The doctor explained that this could also be a response to the chemo. Sometimes it can look like it's progression but it's actually the drug doing it's job in there so that's what we went along with.  They started me on a high dose of steroids to be gradually decreased over the next few weeks.

A week later I went in for gamma knife and had this tumour treated and also one area on the right side that had shown up on the planning MRI they do beforehand. The treatment itself lasted just under an hour and I was home in the afternoon. It's actually kind of nice they have you there bright and early before 6 am so you can get back home. I was the first one through this time so that was nice. Things went well although I did miss my usual nurse and doctor.  They have both been there for my last 5 gamma knife surgeries.  The great staff in there makes the experience so much more comfortable. I am so thankful for them. So after getting home I was focusing on taking care of myself and getting lots of rest. I had a lot of swelling this time around my eye from the hardware that they put on you so for over a week I was walking around looking like I had badly lost a fistfight.

My youngest son had a hockey tournament in Brandon so we went for the weekend along with my parents and Jeffs parents came down too. I also got to sneak in a great visit with a forever friend. Gotta love those!  ❤️  And Jeff's Aunt came to a game. It was a really nice weekend!  I had noticed some symptoms while we were there and I was as coming off the steroids but I was so fixated on getting off of them so that I could have my next treatment that was scheduled I probably waited a bit too long before going in.

The day after getting back home the headaches, pressure and blurry vision got a lot worse so we went back into emerg. We had a very interesting night (to put it mildly) in emerg. Who knew Monday nights in Winnipeg were so crazy??  So I had a CT scan this time which showed quite a bit of swelling around the areas which had been gamma knifed. This isn't an unusual thing to happen after gamma since it can irritate things. I was reluctant to go back on the steroids because this would mean my treatment being postponed but the swelling needed to be taken down so they started me back on.  Sometimes the plan has to change and you have to go with the flow. I'm learning this but it's not always easy. My health care team has been absolutely amazing!  So grateful for them and so reassured to know that they have my back. My doctor has been involved in everything even over the weekend emerg visit. He's been advocating for me along with my nurse so that's pretty fantastic.

Now we focus on getting this swelling under control and get me ready for the next treatment as soon as we can. My boys are all taking such good care of me and we are continuing on with life as normal as we can. I feel like I'm holding on to them all so much tighter these days as things feel a little more unsteady. I just want to cuddle them all up in my arms and protect them. Life feels so very precious right now especially as we feel the Christmas season upon us. Next week will be 7 years since this really began for us and I couldn't be more proud of our boys for the way they have dealt with this. Especially having an irritable mother at the moment who can't sleep on steroids.... not easy.  I'm thinking I made a mistake when I cut out my red wine 🍷 intake because of the new treatment. It is anti-inflammatory right?  I wonder if I'm the only one that's ever googled this??  Jeff has been such a strong support of strength for all of us. I feel extremely lucky every day for my life and everyone I have around me. It's amazing to me that during tough times there is such an openness and vulnerability that comes in and can make you feel so alive, feel deeper. We celebrated my amazing dad's birthday the other night and to feel true happiness in the middle of this crazy time is very welcome.
I hope you all enjoy the holidays and are able to slow down and enjoy time with your loved ones. That is what it's all about...
xoxo Natalie

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Back on the Roller Coaster

Soooo......  This summer has not been quite what I had hoped for. I was very happy at my appointment in June to be given the summer off from cancer care but silly me - thinking that I had any control over what cancer does. July was wonderful as we enjoyed our time away from the busy scheduled life during the school year.  We spent a lot of time out on the deck and enjoying the pool.  We drove up to Swan River for Jeff's sister's beautiful wedding and spent some long overdue time visiting with family. So great to reconnect with everyone again!  We celebrated a lot, as this summer was full of milestones for our family. Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations....  lots of parties happening around here!

Meanwhile, at the end of July I went in for my regularly scheduled brain MRI and I received a call a few days later. My neurosurgeon wanted to see me.  My heart dropped.  He never wants to see me so something must be up.  We would need to wait until after the long weekend for his next clinic day with no clue as to what this must mean.  This was difficult to say the least as I usually feel much more in control of what is happening.  My health care providers are usually much more open about what I can expect and this has made it so much easier on all of us.  But not this time, they wouldn't give me any further information.  I called my oncologist's office and my regular nurse was away.  Great just my luck!  The nurse was so very sweet and contacted my doctor right away who was also very concerned about this.  He scheduled an urgent CT scan of my body to see if there had been any changes there.  So we made it through the weekend trying to distract ourselves and not get too worried.  A few bottles glasses of wine helped a lot!

The appointment was both relieving & scary as shit.  The cancer in my brain has progressed.  The largest tumour being over 2 cm which is the second largest tumour I have ever had up there.  The other smudges on the scan were consistent in size & shape with similar ones that I had before which were gamma knifed.   So I would be scheduled for gamma knife ASAP and these would all be treated.  I left there feeling sick to my stomach but also glad that they could treat them.  I had been stable for well over a year so this news really burst my bubble that I had been floating around in.  The following day I was in to see my oncologist and received the results of my body CT scan.  Good news!  Everything is still stable.  A few lymph nodes had increased in size but that could be from anything really so not super concerning right now.  We were all very relieved to hear this news but my doctor was really not impressed with my brain MRI results so was scheduling me to start a new chemotherapy ASAP.  He felt that I was not responding to my current meds enough anymore and it was time for a change.  We were in shock.  This would mean that I would be starting on the next treatment (my last available treatment here in Manitoba at the moment).  The pharmacist came in to discuss side effects, etc - for any of you that have had the new chemo side effects chat - it's not fun.  They tell you all of the horrible things that may or may not happen to you from starting a new drug.  Her voice became more and more muffled as I eventually blocked her out entirely. My mom doesn't even remember her being there which goes to show how unpleasant of an experience it was.  Just block it out and go to your happy place.  So I was being scheduled to have a port-a-cath inserted and would start the new treatment as soon as I had gamma knife.

The next day, my neurosurgeon calls me.  He had taken my case to brain tumour rounds the day before and there was some concern raised about me going in for gamma knife.  Apparently, this tumour had been gamma knifed twice already and they were thinking that it wasn't a good idea to treat it again.  Now, having had brain mets for almost 7 years and already having gamma knife surgery 5 times they aren't sure what the effects would be.  As he put it, we are treading in new waters here and we don't want to cause more of a problem.  My symptoms have been pretty minimal.  I had just started having head aches and nothing major.  They were surprised that I am not having anything strange happening with my left side since the tumour is on the right side of the brain and apparently I could be noticing some funny feelings, which I am not.  So the decision was made to do a more specialized MRI which was called a spectroscopy MRI.  This would show more of what the tissue is made up.  I had this done a few days later and it showed inflammation & necrotic tissue was making the tumour seem larger than what it really is. If you are confused at this point join the club! I figure even my doctors aren't quite sure what to make of things at this point so how should I be able to?  So my two specialists have a phone conversation and decide that we will hold off on starting the new treatment and will do another scan mid October to see what's changed. They don't want to jump in and intervene when I am really not having a lot of symptoms right now.  We don't want to be causing any problems that I don't need.  He did speak to me about possibly needing surgery to go in and clean things up. Not liking the idea of that but we'll see.

So now we wait for the next scan ..... It's been a wild couple of months that's for sure! So up and down and I am just trying to ride the waves without drowning.  It's a good thing that I have complete faith & trust in my doctors and the decisions they make.  Sometimes I tend to get very focused on that and doing a lot of research on my own.  But for now I will focus on taking care of myself and my family and letting things go.  I will focus on the present and right now I'm feeling pretty good so I will stick with that.  The boys are all getting back into the fall routine with back to school, hockey, volleyball, working...  Life goes on and we do the best we can at making it great!

I had an awesome 41st birthday this month!  Jeff took me out for an amazing dinner, we got together with family for cake and then the following weekend I enjoyed a day at the spa and a girls' night out with friends. What a great way to celebrate another year and also to relax & laugh and let some stress go as we lit up the dance floor!  We celebrated Jeff's 40th in August when his family was down visiting but his big day was actually this past weekend.  Now he can't bug me about still being in his 30's.  We're both in our 40's now babe!!  There has definitely been lots to celebrate!

This weekend I will be walking in the Strides for Melanoma walk here in Winnipeg and feel that it is more important than ever.  Being faced with the reality that my treatment options are dwindling is very scary.  There is still a lot of work & research to do!  I often hear people talk about a cure for cancer but it's not that simple.  There won't be one cure for cancer.  Each cancer is so different & unique and not all drugs work for all people so there will never just be one blanket cure all.  There have been many breakthrough medications released in the past few years and I hope & pray that this continues.

This summer I have been reminded that life is messy.  It doesn't always go as planned and we sometimes really struggle.  For me it's about finding balance in living my amazing life and working through all the tough stuff.  I find myself relying on the things that I have learned on retreat and from others to stay afloat; self care, living in the moment,  having faith, trust & gratitude for the things that are good in our lives (and when all else fails a nice glass of wine and some good laughs or sometimes a good cry).  Thank you to all of my family & friends who have been there the last several weeks to keep me going.  Whether I've spoken to you about what's going on or not I know that I have a lot of cheerleaders out there and I so appreciate that.  I am one lucky girl to have such a strong circle of support around me!

xoxo Natalie



Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Reasons to Smile

I'm amazed that it has been almost a year since I've blogged.  A year full of living life!  I really don't know where to start.  It's a strange and wonderful experience to be living in what I like to think of as these bonus years.  Years that cancer has threatened to take away.  So many milestones that I have been here to see and celebrate with my beautiful family.  For this I feel such a deep sense of gratitude I can not even put into words and this gratitude is what keeps me smiling.

Over this last year my scans have been very stable. No evidence of disease in my body and my last brain scan showed no new tumours since my gamma knife treatment last year.  A couple of the existing tumours may have even shrunk a little which is surprising since my treatment hasn't changed. I'm still on the oral medication Dabrafinib (Tafinlar) and it remains to work at keeping things stable.  I've been on the BRAF inhibiting drugs for almost 3 1/2 years now which is well beyond what was initially expected which was 6 months.  In fact, my doctor is feeling so confident about my health status right now I am getting a summer break from going into the clinic.  Yayyyy!!  I will remain on my meds and will see him again after I have my next regular CT scan at the end of August.  I have a brain MRI scheduled in July and will receive the results of that from my brain doc.  My appointments have now become just a quick check in to see how I'm doing.  Of course blood work, but that's just checking to see how my body is handling the treatment and everything has been good there.  It's my scans that will show if my treatment needs to be changed.  So we go on living in these 3 month time frames - very relieved for every time scans are stable and we can breathe easier for another 3 months.  For some reason stepping through those doors at Cancer Care as a patient makes me feel - well I guess - like I am a patient, like I'm a sick person.  Just when I start feeling normal again then it's time for another appointment.  I think about it when I have an upcoming appointment, even if I know that everything is fine.  There is an unsteady feeling about it like at anytime they could tell me that things have changed and my treatment stops working.  It's scary.  So anytime away from there is fine by me. There are two very promising treatments that they are using in my clinic right now besides the one I'm on and I am very excited to hear about what else is new out there at our annual Melanoma Information night this month.  I'm very thankful to know that if the cancer decides to reappear, there are options.  There is hope. 

I had the sweetest encounter the other day at Cancer Care.  I was there for a committee meeting and afterwards decided to go to the resource center and check out a few books.  As I was finishing up, a very fragile looking lady came in wearing a big beautiful sunhat.  Love her for that alone!  She maneuvered her walker through the doorway not taking her eyes off of me for a second with the biggest smile on her face. Then she exclaimed in a voice much louder than I expected "Wow!  Just Wow!!"  I smiled not really sure what all the excitement was about.  Until she said "Your hair! Like Wow!"  I'm sure my face turned beet red as I realized that all eyes were on me.  The kind volunteer lady said "I know right, it's beautiful!"  For those of you that havn't seen me in a while I have grown quite the curly, frizzy, crazy head of hair.  I call it the chemo curl.  Some people lose their hair, others get crazy hair.  The conversation went on to other things and then back to the hair, and then onto other things - and then back to the hair.  She was a very chatty, spunky lady.  She shared some of her cancer story with me and why she was at the clinic.  She then apologized for going on about my hair and then said something to me that has now changed not only the way I see this crazy head of hair but also is a great reminder about the little things in life.  She said "I don't have much to smile about these days but your hair sure makes me smile."  

So we keep on living everyday taking notice of the little things we have around us to smile about.  Even in a world that can feel full of uncertainty, sadness & fear; remembering that there can also be gratitude, happiness & love and making sure that these are the things that take center stage in our lives.  

xoxo Natalie






Friday, July 24, 2015

Glimmers of hope

I'm sitting in the Cancer Care Lab waiting to get my blood work done and I wonder....  has anyone ever broken down in tears in here....  like had a breakdown....  lost their shit.....  I've never really seen anyone with tears streaming down their face.  Cancer Care must do a really good job of fixing everyone up before sending them along their merry way.  Either that or people wait until they get out to their cars until they let all their sadness, anger and frustration go.  Maybe the parking lot is full of all the broken, sobbing patients.  I've just seen my doctor and now I sit in the lab chair and I want to cry, sob actually.  I'm alone for a moment while the technician leaves to enter my info into the computer and in that moment it's starting to sink in and I want to scream.  I am very familiar with all the people in here having been coming monthly for so long.  There's a new face there though and she looks over at me and smiles.  That makes me want to cry even more but I don't.  I get my blood drawn and leave "Have a good day!"

A couple of months earlier I was in for my regular check up and although my body scan had remained clear and stable, my brain scan had showed some activity.  A few new tumours and some growth in others.  I had been in to see the Neurosurgeon and was being scheduled for gamma knife #5.  I had been told that one of the tumours was in the pons again (not a good place to have a tumour) and that one of the other tumours had been bleeding.  (also not good)  This was terrifying news to get.  When I saw the Neurosurgeon and went over the scans with him I found out that this was not true.  Not sure how that mistake was made but was relieved that it was.  I walked away from that appointment on cloud 9, sang all the way home in the car.  Then realized that I still had to go for gamma to have a few tumours treated but happy that it wasn't worse.  It's all about perspective I guess.  On my way home I ran into my family doctor at the liquor store (yes, I felt like a glass of wine after that day) and as he was curious about how things had turned out having heard about the mix up,  so we had a quick conversation in the middle of the LC.  This is now my life..... talking to my GP in a liquor store about brain tumours, bleeding and otherwise.  You have to laugh ....... or have a nervous breakdown.  

So, at my check up I learned that a new drug had just been approved!  The combination therapy that I had tried to get on through a clinical trial a few years ago has just become available.  This combination is the drug that I am currently on now Dabrafinib plus a MEK inhibitor which combined in the clinical trials showed much better response rates.  So I was super happy to get started on this right away.  The drug that I am on now is working really great for me but this could work even better for longer and hopefully would help to control the tumours in the brain plus the side effects are minimal.  Great!  Sign me up!  I started on it a few days later. 

A couple of weeks later and I was in for gamma knife surgery.  Since this was #5 for me I knew what to expect and things went pretty smoothly.  It was really nice to catch up with my wonderful nurses Michelle and Olive.  They make the whole gamma experience so much more comfortable and bearable.  My sisters and I had a hair straightening party the night before so that we could calm down my crazy hair to make it a bit easier when it was time to attach the gamma head frame.  Because of the different drugs I've been on my hair has thinned out at different times and has now grown in as tight corkscrew curls.  The great thing is that it has grown back in!!  After the pre-gamma MRI the surgeons come up with a treatment plan and come and talk to me.  I have 4 tumours that they will treat and my treatment time will be 1 hour.  I am shocked at this since the last few times it was only 20 minutes or so.  This seems like a long time to me to be laying in that machine with my head bolted to table but I guess before I was only getting 1 or 2 tumours treated.  He returns a few minutes later to let us know that there is actually 1 more that they would like to treat so that would bump my time up to 1 hour and 30 minutes.  Yuck!  I pick out a couple of CD's (good thing I brought a few to choose from) and I am the first out of the four of us to go in for my treatment.  My sisters are just arriving to let Jeff take off to get to work.  It has been an early morning having to be at the hospital before 6.  I come out an hour and a half later with a throbbing head ache.  I don't always get the rebound headache afterwards but this time is especially bad.  They wrap my head with gauze and give me some Tylenol and a couple of hours later I am able to head home.  

I usually bounce back from gamma within a day or two but this time not so much.  I hadn't been having any side effects from the new treatment so that was a relief.  It's always difficult and scary to start a new chemo drug like that.  You just don't know how your body will react to it. Then I woke up one morning feeling like my head weighed 100 pounds.  My head was pounding and I felt like I was in a fog.  Before gamma knife I was having episodes of a knocking and throbbing sensation in the right side of my head and lots of dizziness.  I had 2 minor episodes after gamma knife and then it stopped.  But this was completely different.  I was hoping it was just a flu or something but it continued everyday all day.  The fatigue was draining me so that I could barely get through the day.  Something was wrong.  I called my gamma nurse and after talking to my doctor I was scheduled for a head CT scan.  Could it be swelling from gamma which was quite common and could be treated with steroids or something else.  Meanwhile a lump had appeared on my inner thigh.  I couldn't see anything on my skin but could feel this painful lump underneath.  I thought I'd just watch it for a bit and see what happens.  Within a week I had these painful spots which now had turned red and spread to both thighs and arms.  I knew something was going on but I really didn't want to sound alarm bells and have them discontinue my treatment.  I tend to suffer on through things hoping they will clear themselves up so that I can stay on the best treatment available.  I mean chemo isn't supposed to be easy right?  Some people are super sick through their treatments and still carry on.

I got a call from my pharmacist checking in on things to see how I was feeling.  I couldn't lie to her so I mentioned these rash like hives.  She was very understanding and encouraged me to call my nurse and even offered to do it for me since this was a reportable symptom.  These treatments are all so new so I guess they want to keep a really close eye on things because they really don't know all the side effects yet.  After a talk with my nurse we decide that it can wait until Wednesday when I'm scheduled to come in for my appointment.  Wednesday comes and my doctor, my nurse and a resident are all examining my skin which has become even worse over the last few days and I cringe whenever someone touches me.  My doctor says he doesn't think that it appears like melanoma lesions which is what he automatically thought when he heard about these spots.  Now, this didn't even enter my mind!  That my cancer was spreading into lesions all over my arms and legs.  Could that really happen?  No, it doesn't appear to be consistent with melanoma.  It may be Erythema Nodosum, a rash that would be caused from the new drug and causing inflammation in the tissue under the skin.  You need to stop treatment immediately.  No, I don't want to stop the treatment.  I want to be on the best treatment and this is it right now.  Can't I take Benedryl or something?  No, this can be fatal.  What?  How can a rash be fatal?  Our conversation went something like that back and forth.  In the end I get the point and realize that I have to stop it.  If the lesions go away we know they were from the drug.  If they don't I will be scheduled for a biopsy.  I still feel grateful that I can stay on the one drug and just discontinue the new one but I want to be on the best.  He does mention that we can look at restarting it as a half dose next month.  I hang on to this hope and make my way to the lab where I sit up in the chair and try my best to hold back the tears.  I can't explain what it feels like to have your treatment stopped.  It sucks!  I see these treatments as my tools to fix my body... help me fight defend myself against the cancer.  The more treatments you go through the emptier the toolbox gets.  So now I have 2 treatments in my toolbox, the one I'm on now & 1 more that would be very accessible in the future.  There is also 1 coming in the future that may be hopefully an option if I need it.  There is more hope than ever right now in the melanoma world.

My head CT scan comes back looking good and they see no reason for the symptoms that I'm having.  Then, within a week of being off the new drug the headaches subside and the fog I've been living in clears.  I realize just how terrible I've been feeling.  Sometimes you don't realize it until you're feeling normal again.  The skin lesions all turn into bruising which looked terrible but then cleared up on their own.  I did have one of them get infected which was a pain but healed on its own.  Shows me how great my body is still working at healing itself.  Obviously, this new drug was not only causing issues in my arms and legs but was also causing problems in the brain.  That's the last thing I need.  The next few weeks are amazing!  Feeling so much better I am able to have fun with Jeff and the boys.  Jeff worked like a madman trying to finish building our deck so that we would have the summer with the pool up and running.  What an amazing job he did!  It looks fabulous and we have been spending lots of time enjoying it.  It's our little oasis!  Now if the construction happening across the road would give it a rest we could have a peaceful summer!  We are having a super relaxed summer anyway with the boys.  No scheduled activities - just fun and we are loving it!  We had a fabulous time in Vancouver with Callanish when we went for the premier of the documentary I was a part of.  We all had a great time!  The premier was a great success for Callanish and received a lot of positive feedback and they had to schedule more showings.  Goes to show how important the work that they are doing is and how wonderful they all are!  My family doc was in Vancouver for a conference and saw the documentary while he was there.  He was quite surprised when my face popped up on the screen not expecting that I would be in a documentary half way across the country.  And I was shocked that he happened to be at the first conference that it was shown.  Very grateful that my health care team is always out there searching for information and anything that could help them with treating their patients.

I did decide to restart the Trametinib at a half dose at my last appointment to see if I could tolerate it and then slowly build up to the full dose.  I felt that because I started the drug and had gamma knife so close together that it was just too much for my body to take.  Maybe now I would be able to tolerate it better?  But I changed my mind the following day.  I am feeling so great now and want to keep it that way for the rest of the summer.  I think that sometimes I let fear dictate my decisions, especially when it comes to treatment.  Maybe that just isn't the treatment for me.  I went for my first post gamma brain MRI last night so will find out next week what kind of response I am having.  The hope is that it stopped all the tumours from growing anymore and will start shrinking them.  I have responded amazingly well to the drug that I am currently on and although they tell me it's a short term solution, I'm not so sure about that.  There is evidence now showing that there are a small number of people having spectacular responses.  (I love when my doctor says the word Spectacular!  It hasn't been a word that melanoma doctors have gotten to say in the past with it having had such a grim prognosis - until now!)  My doctor doesn't really know what to recommend at this point and says that because I've been on this drug longer than anyone else in Manitoba, he can't say for sure anymore that it will stop working.  Could this miracle drug be a longer term answer for some than originally thought?  I'll go with that.  And so, as long as these glimmers of hope keep shimmering so will I.  

On that note, I hope that you all enjoy this amazing summer!!  Don't forget your hats & shades and cover up!  xo Natalie





Monday, February 23, 2015

Live it with Love

Since I havn't posted since before Christmas, I hope that you all had an amazing time celebrating with your friends and family!  We had some really nice family time this year.  It was very quiet & peaceful which was much needed.  Hockey is starting to wind down now after a busy season & we are getting ready for a trip out to Vancouver.  We are heading out there for the premier of the documentary I was in a few months ago.  The boys are excited to be going somewhere new and to maybe enjoy some warmer weather for a few days.  It's been in the -40's here (with the windchill) and that is just really freaking cold!!!  Looking forward to a bit of a break from that!  I am excited to reconnect with everyone at Callanish, although a little nervous to see the documentary for the first time.  It's difficult to open up and then to have that on film for everyone to see.  I completely trust all involved in making the film so that makes it easier.  And the beautiful survivors that I feel so grateful to have participated with during this retreat...  These women inspire me and made it such a beautiful experience.  Jeff & the boys will get to see what I do when I takes off to a retreat & will get to meet all of the amazing people that are helping their mom in her healing.  Super excited for this!

Speaking of healing, it was good news on my last set of scans!  My bone scan was clear, as well as the CT scan of my body being stable.  My brain MRI showed no new tumours and NO growth in the tumours present.  This was a pleasant surprise since these tumours have been slowly growing in the last year.  I have since had another CT scan and will get the results back this week.  I have been thinking about all of these scans and the radiation exposure that put me at risk for a secondary cancer.  I've had people bring this up to me concerned that this will cause more issues long term.  Long term??  Could this possibly happen?  I have discussed this with my doctor previously but I think that it's time to bring it up again.  Because I am in such unknown territory it's difficult to know what would put me at higher risk.  The radiation or not catching things early enough. What is expected to happen is the chemotherapy will stop working and the cancer will spread quickly.  This is why I'm being scanned every 2 months.  But no one knows REALLY what will happen.  Which is a real relief for me and allows me to remain hopeful.  I've been on this drug longer than anyone else in my clinic which deals with all advanced melanoma patients in the province.  So who knows?  

So originally, I thought that 5 years would be a miracle but I threw it out into the world because, well, why not?  And here we are....  It was 5 years on December 9th since my diagnosis with metastatic disease.  I thought that we would celebrate with a big party but when the time came that just didn't feel right.  What 39 year old should have to celebrate being alive for five years?  Maybe it would be different if it were 5 years being cancer free.  I know that's a big milestone for people who are in remission.  I guess it's different for people living with incurable cancer.  So because I had reached my 5 year (goal) I felt like now what?  What happens now?  Do I set another goal?  1 year? 2 years?  Take it day by day?  My 40th birthday?  Are these goals even necessary?  Do they help me in any way?  I feel like it did give me something to hope for before.  Now I'm not sure what feels right....  It's like I'm living from one scan to the next, in these 2 month increments.  If anyone has any thoughts on this please feel free to share.  

I do still have hopes and dreams for my life, even though it is sometimes really hard to look into the future - a future that is so full of uncertainty.  I do still want things out of life.  I wonder about posts like these......

When I read this I wonder what this is meant to do.  Is it to show support to those going through cancer?  Is it to make people feel guilty for wanting nice things in their life when others are struggling with illness?  Material possessions are not important especially compared to life but it doesn't make you a bad person to want things.  I just don't really get it.  I would love a new house, a new cellphone, to lose weight.....  ummm....yes please!  Just because you have cancer doesn't necessarily mean that you give up all of your hopes and dreams to "win the battle".  This came up when I was on this last retreat.  We were asked to set intentions for our lives.  What did we hope & dream?  I felt an emptiness in the pit of my stomach.  Of course I hope for healing.  But it took me a while to go beyond that and it made me sad.  In all the business of dealing with cancer, I gave up on my dreams.  I just stopped thinking about it because it was too painful.  Looking into this unknown future had become so difficult that I focused solely on the present.  It's great to live in the present moment and really experience it and I have worked at doing this since my diagnosis.  But what about dreaming for more?  What's wrong with dreaming about the future that I would love to see?  I can only speak for myself but I want more....much more.  

This brings me to the whole what to say and not to say to a cancer patient.  There has been many articles that I've read online lately and I wonder...  Is there such a thing?  Aren't we all different?  Don't we all need different kinds of support?  For example, when people tell me I look great sometimes I hear (for a cancer patient) and other times when I am feeling great it just boosts me up even more, makes me feel healthy.  While my friend couldn't stand when people told him he looked great because he felt terrible and it made him feel like they didn't understand what he was going through.  (Yeah, I look good, well I feel like shit!)  You can say the same thing to 10 different people and they are going to react and take it differently.  Cancer or not.  And it depends on the day.  I don't believe that there is one perfect way to speak to people with cancer.  I believe that as long as you are speaking from a place in your heart of care & concern, that's all that matters.  I remember going to visit my cousin in the hospital over 5 years ago and really not knowing what to say to her.  I may have said the wrong thing.  Thinking back now I just hope that she knew that I cared and felt for her.  I felt that it was so unfair, that she deserved better.  I don't remember what I said but I'm sure it wasn't the perfect thing.  It didn't matter though.  She was so sweet and not at all expecting anything from me.  I didn't feel like she expected me to completely understand at all.  I tried but I didn't get it.  How can anyone get what you're going through especially when they havn't experienced anything like it.  I don't want anyone not to talk to me because they are afraid of saying the "wrong thing".  I don't think putting that pressure on people is fair and may end up isolating cancer patients even more.  I've been in both shoes and I think that being kind to one another and understanding is always the way to go.  Not judging one another or ourselves, just speaking from the heart.

So for all of my friends and family I am very grateful for your words of comfort.  You can never say the wrong thing to me because I know that you have nothing but good,caring intentions.  
Love to you all!  
My heart and prayers are with my Uncle T right now and my Auntie E who have both been diagnosed with advanced cancers recently.  Sending extra love to both families.
xoxo Natalie






Sunday, November 23, 2014

Let it be

So I've been meaning to blog every month but it just never seems to happen....  Life gets so busy!  Sometimes when I sit down to write I can't seem to find the words and other times I don't really want to think about what is really going on.  It can sometimes feel so overwhelming.  I went on a retreat in Vancouver in September where I was able to connect again with the beautiful woman of Callanish.  This retreat was a little different since it was filmed for a documentary about young adults living well with metastatic cancers.  It was amazing to connect with this small group who are going through and experiencing much of what I have been and am going through.  I feel very honoured to have been a part of this and my hope is that it may help someone else feel a little less alone one day.  It will also hopefully be shared with some health care providers so that they can get an up close and personal look into what living with cancer can be like for people.  I'm excited to see it once it's all been put together!

A few weeks ago I attended a healing retreat here in Winnipeg with Dr. Rob Ruttledge and Timothy Walker.  What an experience!  My mom and sisters were able to come with me and we learned about relaxation, meditation, yoga and basically how to get through these difficult times in one piece.  To be able to express your emotions in a healthy way so that you can then move forward and live life fully is not always easy to do.  Sometimes I start feeling stuck and so I have to work at moving through all the yuckiness to get to the good stuff.  It sometimes takes a lot of work but it is so worth it!  It was so nice to have some of my family there with me because honestly I worry about them.  I think about how they will cope once I am gone and I worry about it.  During the retreat I realized that I need to trust them to be there for each other, to support and love each other.  It really opened up some conversations that otherwise would never have happened and I think brought some peace to all of us.  We all took a lot away from this and I was very thankful for this experience.

My CT scan in September came back looking great.  Everything in my body (from the neck down) is stable.  I am being scanned now every 2 months since I've been on this medication for so long and have way exceeded the expected time frame that they expected the drug to work.  It's difficult to be on a medication that you know will stop working one day but you just don't know when.  This is where learning to live with uncertainty comes in.  Living in the present moment, not looking too far ahead into the future....  My brain MRI did show some changes which was very disappointing.  The drug is not working as well as we had hoped in the brain.  This is often a challenge with brain metastases since chemotherapies have a difficult time crossing through the blood brain barrier to penetrate the brain.  This barrier is a much needed protection for our brains and keeps things like infection and disease from getting in.  So the good news is that there were no new tumours this time but there has been growth in some of the others.  I had a long discussion with my neurosurgeon and we are going to hold out on doing gamma knife again until there is more progression.  I'm not having any symptoms and my quality of life is really good right now so I will be scanned again in December and we will take it from there.  I was comfortable with his decision even though, before I talked to him, I was adamant that I wanted them treated.  I find it hard to know that there is cancer growing in my body and we are just going to watch it.  It has been a definite shift in thinking in the last couple of years.  Before, when a tumour popped up, I would either go for surgery or gamma knife right away.  Now, I need to find peace with the fact that I have cancer growing in my brain.  It definitely takes practice getting used to this reality.

Next is another CT scan and a bone scan this week.  My scan schedule has changed so I am trying to get used to this as well.  It used to be that I was scanned every 3 months and I always had them both at the same time with a bone scan only very occasionally.  There are four stages that I seem to go through when I know a scan is coming up for me.  Preparing myself for the upcoming scan, actually getting the scan done, waiting and waiting and waiting for the results to come in, and then getting those results and dealing with whatever information I have been given.  So it's usually a 2 week process.  To have my scans at different times means I am in this state of scanxiety a lot of the time.  Because of this shift in my schedule I am coming up with new coping strategies so that I don't always find myself in this cycle.  I have always liked to plan something fun to do after my scan so that I can look forward to that and it seems to make things much easier.  My bone scan happens to be on the same day as the Bret Michaels concert that my friend and I are going to so that will be a fun night regardless.  Poison used to be one of our favorite bands so it will be an awesome night rolling back the years!  I'm sure I won't have a second thought about my bone scan once we start having fun!  Love spending time with my BFF!  Laughter is the best medicine!

Speaking of laughter we had an amazing time this weekend!  My little cousin married his best friend and it was an absolutely beautiful wedding.  We havn't had a wedding in our family for a really long time so that made it even more special.  The bride was beautiful and the two of them are so happy together!  Very touching ceremony and a really fun reception!  We got to visit with family that we don't often get to spend time with and the love and laughter filling up the room was the best feeling in the world!  Super happy for these two and know that they have a very bright future ahead together!

So being able to celebrate the good times without letting the bad times overshadow us is always really the idea.  Letting go of how we thought life would be like and just falling into what is.  Looking at all there is to be thankful for and celebrating that.  Do I wish things could be different some days?  Um yeah!  But here we are so we roll with it, always moving forward and cherishing the good times.

xo Natalie