Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone is ready for Christmas and can now kick back, put your feet up and enjoy the holidays! It sounds like it from some of your statuses on facebook. Then there are those of us who wait until these last few days to finish shopping, baking and wrapping. I will be making my way into the city tonight to finish up. It has been a very busy couple of days. I got a call on Friday from the ultrasound department to come in for the ultrasound on my thyroid that I have been waiting for. They got me in on Monday night which also happened to be the night that my Melanoma Support Group were getting together for our Christmas potluck. So after a quick stop at the hospital for this we headed to the party. The scan went very well and of course it was nice having both my sisters and my mom there. The ultrasound tech was very nice but I couldn't get anything out of her. And believe me I tried! For some reason I left feeling reassured even though she didn't really say anything.

It was so nice to see everyone at the Melanoma Group. We had a really nice visit and some homemade treats. Loved the apple crisp!! These people have really become good friends to us and very supportive. It was an awesome night! Next we were on our way to Chapters to do some last minute shopping. The line ups were crazy but we went through surpisingly quickly.

The next morning (yesterday) I got a call from the ultrasound department. They had reviewed my scans already and have scheduled me in for a biopsy in the new year. Actually on Jan. 17th I will be having this done. It honestly put me in a bit of a panic wondering if they saw something suspicious. After a couple of phone calls to both of my nurses I really didn't have much more information but felt better about things. There is some confusion as to what exactly they are biopsying. The "goiter"? A nodule by the "goiter"? I will be getting all of my questions answered before we go ahead with things. So really what it boils down to is that nothing has changed. I have something on my thyroid that they are not sure about so we need to find out what it is. I am very happy that things are moving as quickly as they are since initially I was told that it could be up to a six month wait for this biopsy. There are only two doctors in Manitoba that do this type of procedure. When I spoke to my nurse he made it very clear that they do NOT think that this is melanoma. So for now, there is nothing to do but wait. But I'm not very good at waiting so we carry on and have a fabulous Christmas!

I was reminded yesterday of a time in Benito at Christmas when the boys and I heard some bells ringing outside. As we looked out the front window we saw a horse drawn sleigh full of carolers (staff from the school) pull up. Out they all piled and sang for us. After the fantastic performance they all piled back in the sleigh and off they went down our street. Now that does not happen everyday! It was beautiful and I will never forget it!

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas and takes time to feel the joy around us. I will be thanking God for another precious Christmas with my loved ones.

Merry Christmas!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Holiday Spirit!

I hope that everyone is getting into the holiday spirit! I find myself really trying this year to feel the joy of the holidays. For some reason it is not coming easily for me this year. On Monday I took the two younger boys to see the Air Command Band play at the Legion and they were fantastic! Feeling a little more in the mood after that. Last year during the holidays I was feeling so much. Grateful for life, family, friends, love. I really felt like something magical was happening around me. This year I am struggling with this. Is it because of the drug I am on? Is it that the shock of my diagnosis over the past year has been finally sinking in? I did get the results of my brain MRI last week which were great! No changes on my scan which is what we always hope for. This is fabulous news right? I should feel relief, happy.... I think I would feel all of these things if on the very same day as I was receiving this great news over the phone I wasn't literally waiting in another specialists office. As I hung up my phone with the Gamma Knife nurse, the oncologist specializing in head and neck cancers came in to see me. I was there for a follow up appointment for the goiter that I have on my thryoid. Apparently, there is a nodule on my thyroid apart from the goiter that he wants to biopsy.

What could this nodule be I ask him. Well, it could be melanoma though very unlikely. Melanoma usually does not spread to the thyroid, although it does happen. It could be a benign lesion (meaning no big deal). Let's hope for that! Or it could be another cancer - thyroid cancer. Another totally different type of cancer which is treated with surgery and radiation. He reassures me that even if it is a primary thryoid cancer it is very treatable. No worries - nothing to lose sleep over. He tells me I have enough going on right now and we'll do the biopsy to find out what this is but my focus right now should be on finishing the Interferon. Really? You are telling me that I may have another type of cancer and may need a whole other treatment regime but I shouldn't worry about it?

So now we wait.... Again. I keep reminding myself that chances are it is nothing. But being told already 3 times that I have cancer I do know that the possibility is there. I just hope that they get me in for this biopsy soon so I can really relax and make room in my heart for that magical feeling of Christmas.

I hope that one day it will happen when I can get wonderful news and just leave it at that. No buts, no ands, no maybes... For now I will focus on all the wonderful things happening in my life starting with having no evidence of disease. My three boys who are waiting in excited anticipation for Santa to come to our house. My husband who is riding this crazy rollar coaster ride with me and holding my hand the whole time. My family who no matter how difficult things get are always there and are full of love and hope. My friends, new and old who are always there to make me smile and take my mind off of all things cancer related. I really could go on and on.... This is making me feel better already! Why live in a world of what-if's? If I do that then I miss out on all the wonderful things that are acually happening in my world at that very moment. May we all find that peace and joy that the holidays can bring us.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thank you to YACC for an amazing conference!

What an amazing time we had at the conference! This was a trip of a lifetime for Jeff and I. I fell in love with the ocean and all of the people in Newfoundland. I loved the fact that they all address eachother with enduring names like love, dear, hon..... Very sweet people. We spent our first day out and about walking around town seeing some sights. The views were fantastic - not at all the surroundings that we are used to. When we got back to the hotel mostly everyone had arrived so we visited and mingled with everyone. It was so nice to get together with those there from the past retreats we had been to and of course we met a whole bunch more amazing people! The facilitators and organizers were awesome and made this experience the best conference ever! It's hard to describe everything that I got out of this weekend but I'll try anyway.

We learned alot about health, nutrition, and fitness from the speakers. Dr. Rob got us all meditating and learning how to deal with our stressors. He talked about whole body and mind healing. He shared with us a very inspirational portion of the book he wrote about Jeff(the amazing guy who started YACC)'s cancer journey. I was almost brought to tears by this. What a story!! Another speaker who I learned a lot from was Chef Jay. He had us eating healthy and blending up a storm. I got a kick out of how addicted to his blender he was. Then when I got home the blender I had ordered was waiting for me. Now I am a blenderholic!! lol It was perfect timing! We learned a lot about using food as medicine. Eat your veggies people!!! Bonnie was our fitness coach and got us all up and moving. I didn't participate too much with the fitness stuff because honestly I just didn't have the energy. Bonnie and I had a great chat though and she inspired me to just do what I can so I will be getting my butt out that door and at least getting a walk in every other day. The walk up Signal Hill showed me how out of shape I am - my chest was burning and I was so out of breathe. We also had a great group chat about sharing our story with others. Mikey explained how important our stories are and that we should be proud of them. Wow! I have always had no problem sharing my story through my blog but have a harder time face to face. I was very touched by all of the stories shared with me over these few days and am amazed again by all of the bravery, courage, love and hope in one room.

The walk up Signal Hill was absolutely beautiful! For some of us reaching the top was a huge accomplishment. It takes alot of strength and determination to push yourself up that hill, especially those who are not well. Wow! I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. We did it!! At the top of the hill we got to take in the gorgeous scenery and then we participated in a small ceremony to say goodbye to our fellow cancer warriors. We each took a handful of sand from a jar, said our goodbyes and watched the sand fly through the air. It was a very peaceful, emotional experience. YACC has had a very tough year full of loss so this was a very important part of the weekend. I dedicated my climb to my cousin Christine who we lost to cancer last year. She showed me how to never lose hope, not to take anything for granted, and she fought the whole time with a beautiful smile on her face. I think of you everyday, Christine.

After this we all needed a beer so off to the pub we went. Some of us got screeched in as honerary Newfoundlanders. That was so much fun to watch. Lots of laughs and I tried some really good beer. Of course just a few sips for me! We went back to the hotel for supper and to watch the best movie that I have ever seen - Wrong Way to Hope. I had seen the movie at the Retreat in Vancouver and when I watched it again it was like seeing it for the first time. Of course I can really relate to the survivors in the movie and found myself many times thinking -Wow, me too! It is a great balance of real emotion and humour. Whether you have cancer or not it is a very inspirational movie. I actually loved it so much that I will be holding a night here in Stonewall where I will be showing it. More details on that to follow!

That brings us to the night before it was time to get back on that plane and fly home. Just when I thought the weekend couldn't get any better we had a great dinner at a pizzaria. After a yummy dinner we headed across to a small theatre to watch a show called Cancer Can't Dance Like This. Dan is one of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. He actually is a cancer survivor and his show is all based on his experiences. I havn't laughed that hard for a very long time! Cancer makes us Gangsta!!!

Well, that is only a bit about our trip - believe it or not. I am very thankful that I was able to experience this and meet so many amazing people! Sharing it with Jeff and my sister was awesome! My heartfelt thank you goes to Karine for being you and all the staff at YACC, Jeff Eaton for using his experience to connect other young adults all over Canada, and all the facilitators for caring enough to get involved. Mikey and Bonnie - you really do Huck it Huge!!! I come away from this conference re-energized, full of hope and heart.

It was really nice to get back to the boys. Jeff and I missed them so much. And they actually missed us too. They were so happy to have us home even though they had a good time with Grandma and Grandpa. We are so very fortunate to have mom and dad so close by and willing to flip their lives upside down for us. Love you guys!

This week I really feel blessed when I look around me. Even though my life is not what I thought it would be right now I wouldn't change a thing. I have learned so many lessons in the past year which have made my life better. One of them being "Dreamings not Enough" - Kaleena Hudon Don't just dream about it, do it!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Happy Halloween!!

Happy Halloween Everyone!

This is a very exciting time around our house! My boys love halloween and getting all dressed up to go trick-or-treating. Plus on top of that it was Kaden's birthday on Wednesday so he is very excited to be turning 6. We are celebrating this year by having his very first "friends party". Usually we celebrate with just the family but this year Kaden wanted to have his friends to his party. So today after school we will be taking 10 little boys to play laser tag. I am looking forward to seeing them all dressed up in their costumes running around playing. Kaden dressed up this year as Ron Weasley (the little red head from Harry Potter). We figured it really wasn't much of a stretch, he looks so much like him. Should be a fun night! Of course, Tyler and Gavin found the scariest costumes they could and they even give me the creeps all dressed up.

I had a really good appointment with my doctor on Wednesday. I found out that all of the tests and scans I've had done in the last month all came back clear. Right now I have no evidence of disease and am cancer-free. This is a really good feeling. It has almost been 1 year since my brain surgery and I'm feeling very grateful to be here. My doctor was explaining to me that now because of gamma knife surgery people in my shoes are living a lot longer and are surviving this terrible disease. Yayyyyyy Gamma knife!! He has a lot of hope and so this reenergized my hope that I will beat this. I am at the halfway point of the Interferon treatment and because I have had no new disease (the lung tumour was already there before I started this treatment) we can assume that this treatment is working.

I have been having some trouble with my blood counts being very low but hopefully I can hang in there for another six months. I apparently will have to wear a mask during my upcoming flight to St. John's which I'm not too happy about but I guess it's better than picking up an infection during the flight. Whenever I see someone wearing a mask at the hospital I automatically assume that it is for everyone else's protection. Meanwhile, it's usually for the protection of the person wearing it. Hopefully I don't get too many strange looks. I thought of maybe getting my glue gun out and attaching some pretty jewels to it - a little bit of bling. We'll see about that! Nothing like being able to blend in with everyone else and feel normal. lol

I am really looking forward to reconnecting with the YACC community. I am excited to get more involved with this when I get back and start getting some energy back. It still amazes me how many young adults are being diagnosed with cancer. This has turned into an epidemic and we need to do something about it - Live healthy!! If you know a young adult with cancer pass along this website www.youngadultcancer.ca. It is a very supportive, caring community that gets it!!

Have a very fun, safe halloween everyone!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Thankful

Well, after a tough couple of weeks I am now on my way back to my new normal self. Of course, starting up the Interferon again I was expecting to be feeling unwell but this time was especially nasty. By the end of the week though I was jumping in the car and driving to the States with my mom and sisters. We had a great weekend! I was so happy that I was able to go and have some girls time. Of course things have changed and our girls weekend wasn't the same shopping extravaganza experience it normally is but it was still lots of fun. I was very nervous about bringing my medication with me and doing my injection at the hotel but it turned out OK. Sounds like the boys had fun hanging out with Dad for the weekend too.

While I was away I wasn't feeling the greatest and by the end of the weekend I knew someting was going on. I went to the Dr and sure enough I had a throat infection. After a couple of days on the antibiotics I was feeling much better. Then ended up with the flu for a few days meanwhile doing my prep for a colonoscopy that was scheduled for me. Now if you have ever had to go for a colonoscopy you know how unpleasant the prep for it is. By the time I was there for the procedure itself I had dropped 10 pounds and was feeling pretty crappy. One word of advice I can pass on is take all the drugs they offer you. So I was a little dopey after and I slept for a while afterwards. At least I don't really remember anything!! I was so glad to have that overwith and I found out right away that it was normal. Phew!! One more normal test under my belt. I have one more scan scheduled for next week and then hopefully after that I get a bit of a break. Part of the reason for all these tests is that the anti-nauseant medication I was on was causing some strange side effects for me that they had never seen before. So to be sure that it's not the cancer causing problems for me I end up having to have all these tests done. Better safe than sorry....

Oh, I almost forgot to share the most exciting thing happening in our house. Kaden lost his first tooth!! He was so excited about this and after wiggling his tooth for a couple of hours (and when he got tired of doing it he was getting one of us to do it) it finally fell out. There was much discussion about why hobos don't just knock their own teeth out to get money from the tooth fairy so that they don't have to live on the street. lol Anyway, it was very exciting and yesterday Kaden was overjoyed when he came home from school with a special certificate from his teacher for loosing a tooth.

These days I am trying really hard to focus on the good that is going on around me. I am thinking alot about what I have to be thankful for. (which is alot) We spent the day on Monday out at the Corn Maze and I loved watching the kids running and laughing having a blast. I cherish every laugh that comes out of their mouths and I am very thankful that I am here to hear it!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Trust

I have been feeling great the past couple of days! I definitely see now that I did need a break off of the Interferon. Trying to push through to just get finished is not the answer. My body screams for a break sometimes and now I am going to start listening. I have to say that my health care team sure knows my body alot better than I do. They know when I've had enough and need some time to recover. I went in to see them yesterday and got the go-ahead to start up the Interferon again on Monday. My Oncologist called in the Dermatologist (skin specialist) to come and take a look at my "shingles". Guess what?? It's not shingles after all. What a relief to find out that this rash is not the nasty thing they thought it was - shingles which they tell me can be life-threatening to people taking chemo or drugs like Interferon. It turns out that having this rash could most likely be caused by the Interferon. Slather some cream on there and it should be gone right?...... I will be patiently waiting to see if we've found the right diagnosis and treatment. I'm just thinking wow - I can't beleive I'm blogging about a rash. Would I have been sharing something like this a year ago? Absolutely NOT! How life can change.....

The next couple of weeks I'm hoping will be quiet ones. I'm going to really enjoy this weekend and relish having the energy and spirit that I feel now. I will start the Interferon on Monday so am planning to lay low the next week or so. Although, us girls have planned a trip over the border for next weekend so I really hope to be feeling good enough to go. Normally this would be a trip full of shopping, eating, more shopping, more eating. This will be a bit of a different trip for me probably involving sleeping, reading, more sleeping, more reading. I'll take what I can get and enjoy a change of scenery!

We ran (walked) in the Terry Fox run at Assiniboine park last weekend. It was an absolutely beautiful day! We had a great time and had a chance to visit with my family which was so nice. There was a huge crowd this year and I'm sure a lot of money was raised for this great cause. The Terry Fox run celebrates it's 30th anniversary this year. Wow! One man can make a difference.

I am getting really excited about going to St. John's for the Young Adult Cancer Canada (YACC)conference! Jeff and I havn't travelled at all together (out of Manitoba) so it will be our first real trip together. I am looking forward to catching up with those who I met at the retreat in April and also meeting everyone new to YACC. I feel so fortunate to be able to attend and because of all the Airmiles I've been collecting it's not going to cost us anything. Jeff and I are excited about seeing Newfoundland for the first time. My sister, Christine is also coming to the conference as a facilitator. They liked her ideas and perspective so much at the retreat that they invited her to facilitate at the conference. It will be a great time!

Until next time......

Monday, August 30, 2010

Peace

Well, good news last week. My scans both came back normal. What a relief! I am now waiting for an ultrasound just to cover all of our bases but am not expecting anything abnormal to show up on that. It's been another ride on the cancer rollar coaster. Waiting and wondering what if.... This week a friend from the retreat I went to passed away at the age of 25 from cancer. She was such a strong, beautiful girl and she inspired all of us to fight. She had these words posted on her facebook page:

Cancer - I intend to beat you, overcome you and defeat you. You are my battle, my blood, my weakness. I will live each day knowing that I am stronger than you. I will fight you. I will live. By Ann-Marie 1985-2010

We will miss you Ann-Marie.

So the past couple of weeks have had their ups and downs. I ended up with shingles which doesn't seem to want to go away. My doctor says that it's from being on the Interferon. It has brought my immune system down so much that this virus (chicken pox) that I had as a child has been reactivated. So now I'm left with shingles. We decided yesterday to put a hold on the Interferon for a while and give my body a chance to heal. I was a little disappointed but after being so sick after my injection Monday night I was ready to do whatever they wanted. So my goal now is to build back up my immune system by getting lots of rest, exercise and healthy eating. Hopefully I won't be off for too long as it seems to be worse everytime I have to stop and restart treatment.

I did enjoy a restful week where I was pampered by my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law. They came for a visit and to help me around the house. They sure got alot done. The house looks great and they couldn't have picked a better week since I wasn't feeling great. Thanks you guys!

Well, now it's time to get the kids ready for back to school next week. It's going to be different around our house since all of them will be in school full days this year. They are all looking forward to it in their own ways. And so am I!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Fight

Is it the rain that's making me feel so yucky or is it that all the fun I was having was too much and is catching up to me. I blame it on the weather! I went in for my routine appointment on Wednesday and was sort of taken by surprise at what happened. I have been having some strange sympoms the last month or so and casually mentioned this to my doctor. I won't go into the gorry details but it's something that I really thought was no big deal. I guess when you have cancer there's nothing that isn't a big deal. He was very concerned and is sending me for another battery of tests and scans. Quite frankly - I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Can I give cancer back for a refund and get my money (or more literally my life) back?

I had my blood work done where he was testing a few specific levels along with my regular tests. They show that I am neutropenic which also happened to me during my high dose portion of treatment and leaves me very vulnerable to infections. A reminder that I need to slow down and take better care of myself. Rest more, eat better and excercise. They don't have to stop my treatment yet but it was very close. Hopefully this number will climb in the next few weeks. Good news - I'm not pregnant! I laughed when he asked me if this was a possibility. Could you imagine! That would just be the icing on the cake. No, that would not be good! All of my other blood work came back normal as well.

So now, the plan is I will go for a chest CT on Monday. Yes - Monday. My doctor does not mess around. And even though I just had a brain MRI he has ordered another one to be done ASAP. He wants to focus in more on certain areas of my brain. So this leaves me feeling now worried, scared, not wanting these crazy scans anymore, wondering why I didn't just keep my mouth shut. On the other hand I am very grateful that my medical team is there behind me fighting for me when I am too tired or don't realize that I need to be fighting. It scares me that they expect the cancer to come back. They are just waiting and watching for it. I want to believe that I am different. It's not going to come back with me. I'm going to be healthy one day and not have to worry about this monster coming back into my life again. I have heard those three frightening, life changing words three times already - You have cancer. I don't want to hear them again.

I was really looking forward to a break. I believe a well deserved break. Guess I just have to wait a little bit longer than I thought. On a more positive note I have been thinking about registering for a conference for young adults in St. John's and after the past couple of days decided to go for it. Life is too short! We don't know what the future holds for us so we had better make the most of the time we have. We will be flying to St. John's for 4 days where I will meet up with some past friends and some new friends who also find themselves fighting this fight! They have planned an amazing conference and I am very excited to check it out! Give me something to look forward to and hopefully keep my mind off of worrying about this. Will keep you updated when my results come back.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Fun!!

I think this summer so far has been the best ever! I'm not sure if it's just that I appreciate things more or if I'm really having more fun. Either way I'm loving it! Bon Jovi was awesome! What a great night! I forgot about the cancer and just had fun. It's amazingly difficult to do this most of the time but I'm finding that the more fun I'm having the easier it is to forget for the moment anyway. It helped having my best friend with me - just like old times!!!

We had Jeff's family out for the weekend last week and that was lots of fun. Jeff has two little nephews who are absolutely adorable so it was fun watching them in the pool having a blast! We swam most of the weekend since it was so beautiful out and had family and friends over for supper. It was so great getting to see everyone and catching up with what's going on.

I had a friend of mine out with her kids for lunch and a swim and we had a great time. We hadn't seen each other for many years so it was really nice. Love having those friends that we can get together and it seems no different then years before. You can pick up where you left off. We won't wait so long next time!!

We went to Kenora for the weekend this past week and what a great time we had!! When I was younger we used to go out to Kenora to my Aunt and Uncle's cabin. I havn't been back there for many, many years so I jumped at the opportunity when it came up!! I have so many really great memories in Kenora with my sisters and my cousins. We had a fun filled weekend and the kids didn't want to come back home. We went fishing, hiking, tubing, had our own fireworks show, watched my cousin launch his rockets and had fun seeing the kids chase them everywhere.... I could go on and on! It was a really awesome weekend and everyone had lots and lots of fun!!!! We are already talking about going out again this summer!! Thanks to the Lindsays for making it such a special weekend.

I am feeling great these days!! Making sure I'm getting lots of rest in between all the fun! I'm more used to the fatigue from the Interferon and am coping better with it. It's just there's so much that I want to do this summer!!! I got a phone call from the Gamma knife nurse yesterday letting me know that my brain scan came back and it looks good. No changes which is really great news!!! I had actually already gotten my scan back from my oncologist last week but getting the all clear from the Neurosurgeon is awesome!! One of my friends sent me a woman's story from You Tube which was very encouraging. This woman also had brain and lung metastasis (just like me) and took some similar treatments as me and five years later she is doing great! Hearing these stories brings me hope and strength to do whatever it is that I need to do to get healthy!!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Happiness

Hello Everyone!!

Well, as you have probably read on my facebook status I am getting ready for the Bon Jovi concert tomorrow night. I am super excited about having a great night out with friends. I initially thought that I would be too sick to do something like go to a concert so I turned down the offer. I believed the doctors when they told me I would be extremely ill and unable to carry on with my normal life. For a few moments anyway, and then I said "Screw that!" It has been a stroke of luck that I have been feeling well enough to still do things and enjoy my life. We went out to Bird's Hill last week with the family to celebrate my mom's birthday. Happy birthday Mom! We had an amazing day at the beach and I actually caught a nap (in the shade of course). The kids had a great time swimming with their cousins and we spent the night with my sister there. After another great day at the beach the following day we packed up and headed back home. What an amazing couple of days!!

Jeff and I had an amazing dinner at Rae and Jerry's for our anniversary. Thank you for all the anniversary wishes! We had an amazing dinner which reminded me of our many family dinners that my parents used to make for us as kids. Dad would make escargot or shrimp cocktail for an appetizer. We'd have steaks, potatoes, veggies and for dessert ice cream smothered with creme de minte (which they also serve at Rae and Jerry's for dessert) Going to that restaurant was like stepping back in time. Very cool! After dinner we went to see Eclipse at Silver City. OK I'll admit that I loved every minute of it but not as much as some of the woman sitting in the audience. You could hear everyone sighing dreamily everytime Jacob appeared on the screen. Jeff thought that this was pretty hilarious. I personally fell for Carlisle. Since when did I start falling for the Dad in the movies and not the star. Yikes I must be getting old! Anyway, Carlisle is very hot and I could probably get over the fact that he is a vampire! More seriously, we had a great date night and will have many more in the future!!

Yesterday was a long day for me spending most of it at the hospital. It went very well though - only good news which I love! I went and saw my thoracic surgeon for a follow up visit - 6 weeks since I had surgery. Seems way longer than that to me. Everything looks great! I have healed up and from the x-ray he said you can hardly tell that I've had surgery. That's good news! I got to catch up with some of the girls I used to work there with and my brother-in-law. Great seeing everyone again! We had some time to kill before my MRI in the afternoon so we went downtown to check out the Fringe. There wasn't too much happening (mostly kids entertainment) so we wandered into a haberdachery. Not sure if I spelled that properly but it's a hat store! You probably already know this about me but I LOVE Hats!! I've written a previous blog about it. We had so much fun trying on almost every hat in the store peeing our pants laughing at the outrageous ones. What a fun afternoon!

OK back to reality - we headed over to the hospital for my MRI. This was my brain MRI which I will be having every three months forever to keep tabs on my brain situation. Things went well and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the technician said I could leave. I still love hearing those words. This MRI takes about 25 minutes where you lie in the machine and it beeps, bangs, clanks and rings taking pictures of the inside of your brain. A type of dye is injected through your IV part way through the scan. Very cool actually that this technology exists. I will get my results back next week hopefully when I see my oncologist. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that we get good news.

I feel that I am in a much better place compared to a few weeks ago. I have my melanoma support group friends to thank for this. I almost didn't go to the last meeting because I wasn't in a very good place and didn't want to spread my negativity. I went anyway thinking I would just not say anything and I came away from the meeting feeling much better than I had going in. To feel that others understand and are going through the same thing as you is very powerful. Talking to them made me feel that I can carry on with my treatments and that everything I am feeling - so are they. It's really great to have this support.

I know that I've said this before but I feel so very fortunate to have all of you around me cheering for me. When I'm having a bad day I just have to look back through my emails and all of your comments to bring my spirits back up. To feel loved is my cure...
Thank you!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Courage

Well, I'm into my second week back on the Interferon and am doing pretty good. I was pretty sick last week so am glad that my body is adjusting. The fatigue is starting to set in though and I wake up tired every morning. It will take me some time to get used to this again. I have been mostly hanging out with the boys by the pool the last week or so. The weather has been great and it keeps them entertained so they are not driving me too crazy!! I have to admit that having three boys at home while I'm on chemo is very challenging. I'm just glad that they are all pretty self sufficient. No diapers to change and no bottles to make. I can't imagine if this was happening a few years ago! If only they didn't fight with each other! Boys....!

Jeff and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary tomorrow! Wow! I can't believe 10 years has gone by! We have been through a lot together and each hurdle has brought us closer together. This latest challenge - dealing with my cancer diagnosis - has shown us that we can make it through anything together. I know how difficult this has been for Jeff, always wanting to make this right and having no power to. It has been a crazy couple of years for us so we will definitely be celebrating this occasion!!

I was thinking the other day about my friends that I recently met at the retreat. I think about them all the time but as I pictured the circle of people that quickly became like family to me I was thinking about how much courage it takes to be a cancer survivor. What would you trade to live? I'm sure that if you put together all of the pieces of ourselves that we have had to give up because of this disease we could make an entire human being. Many still suffer the effects of chemotherapy or radiation treatments. The scars..... When you are faced with losing your life I think you would trade anything for more time on this earth. The courage and bravery of these survivors amazes me! What would you be willing to trade for your life?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Strength

I'm finding it hard to decide how to write this entry. Do I write it honestly or pretend that I'm feeling amazing. What does it mean to have strength? Does it mean that you push out all of the bad feelings and only feel the good ones? Do I pretend that everything is wonderful and I couldn't be happier? I want to be a strong person and give others strength but I'm struggling with this. Am I only showing the positives of having cancer? You can look at it anyway you want but cancer sucks!! There may be some wonderful things that come out of having cancer - a real love of life, true compassion for others and for yourself, getting out of things you may not want to do (Sorry, I can't make it. I have cancer.), getting off the phone with a telephone solicitor quickly (Sorry I can't support your cause or buy what you're selling. I have cancer.), getting ahead in the line at the grocery store (Sorry, can I just go ahead of you. I have cancer.) OK I've never actually used any of these but I have thought about! I focus on the here and now. I have my life. I have wonderful, caring family and friends around me. Most people I have met going through this focus their energy on these things. But if I were being truly honest I would say that it sucks. Being faced with your own mortality is a very scary thing. Because I am afraid, does this mean that I am not a strong person?

You are probably wondering where all this is coming from. We found out yesterday that the tumour I had removed from my lung is cancer - melanoma. It looks like they got it all which is a relief but what does this mean? I am back to square one - Stage IV melanoma with metastasis to the brain and lung (no evidence of disease) Scary stuff! What am I going to do about this? I'm going to go back on the treatment I was on before surgery (Interferon) and turn my body into a cancer fighting machine by eating healthy and boosting up my immune system. I am going to take better care of myself. I am going to enjoy every minute with Jeff and the boys. I am going to take more chances and do the things that I've always been too afraid to do. I'm not going to take this gift called life for granted.....

Monday, June 14, 2010

Beauty...

What a beautiful day it is today! I absolutely love days like this. The sky is so blue, the sun is shining (that's why I slathered on the sunscreen) and the birds are singing. I spent this morning outside reading and then went for a little walk around the block. (I am reading Crazy, Sexy cancer tips by Kriss Carr and it's a fabulous book) I am still taking it easy and not pushing myself too much. It's so nice to be able to get out and enjoy the day though. My pain has been really well controlled and I am slowing weaning off the pain meds. This has given me a lot of time to think about what I want and need in my life. Amazing how some quiet time opens up these thoughts. After learning so much about myself at the retreat I really want to dig deeper and keep this peacefullness that I now feel. I am looking into taking a yoga class and diving into the world of meditation. I intend on living every day to its fullest.

My sisters, my mom and I went to an information night last week at Cancer Care for Melanoma patients and their families. It was awesome! Not only did I get to catch up with my fellow melanoma warriors and their cheering squads but we were presented with the new treatments and trials for melanoma. Our medical team was there and we we were able to ask any of them questions and hear everything new that has been happening in the world of melanoma. The most exciting news is that they have come out with a new drug for Stage IV melanoma. There has never been a drug available for patients at this stage. The clinical trials are starting ASAP and are available in Winnipeg. It is such a relief to know that there is something out there that has already been proven to work. What I mean by "work" is it is giving us more time and maybe enough time to find a cure!? Now, yes I am stage IV but I have no evidence of disease right now so I'm not sure if this is an option for me but it is so good to know that they are spending lots of time and money researching this cancer. My case has been a little bit different from the beginning. We have thankfully been able to remove any tumour and potential tumours that have shown up. Yayyyyyyy!!! The statistics that are out there are mindblowing! More and more people are being affected by this cancer and at every age. This is why I am so passionate about people protecting themselves from the sun. This disease can be devastating and it can also be preventable (one of the few cancers that can). Everything that we can do to prevent this we should be doing. Genetics and history also play a huge part in who gets this disease but shouldn't we be doing everything we can to protect ourselves and our children.

There was also another huge event going on this same night - my cousin Earl's fundraising event. He is also fighting against cancer and I must say is kicking ass!! (Oh and by the way I have been told that when you have cancer you can use whatever profanities you want when describing it) All the guys in the family went to his night and had a great time and lots of laughs! It was really too bad that they were held on the same night but what can you do. We decided to divide and conquor! Keep fighting Earl! You rock!!!

I am finding that the best way to win this fight is by surrounding myself with positive, true people who want me to win this as much as I do. I am thankful for all of you and I know that I couldn't do it without you.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Love

Wow! Where do I start? Last time I was on here I was getting ready for the Retreat in Vancouver. Well, I had an absolutely amazing time! I met the most courageous, compassionate, caring people there. There is something about being with a roomful of people who are going through the same thing as you. It somehow made me feel normal for the first time in a very long time. Talking about their experiences and how they deal with them really helped me learn how to deal with mine. It's like we became a family over the 4 days and I will hold each person I met in my heart forever. We had a lot of fun but also worked through some very difficult issues that each of us are faced with. We all shed a lot of tears and laughed until we cried some more and I came home feeling like a whole person again. If you ever have the chance to go on a retreat I encourage you to go for it. It was an awesome experience! Thanks YACC!!!!!! You can check out their website at www.youngadultcancer.ca

In my life, whenever something good happens it's usually followed by something difficult. While I was away Jeff decided to take the kids up to visit his family and see his grandfather who has been very ill. Grandpa passed away peacefully before Jeff could get up to the hospital to see him but he was surrounded with love from all the family. We were unable to make it up for his funeral because I was in surgery the same day but our love and thoughts were with them. We love you Grandapa!

Some more bad news as we arrived home... My sister's (who came with me on the retreat)dog died while we were away. Sanibel has been a part of this family for many, many years and a few months ago we found out that she too had cancer. Christine had this strange feeling that something had happened to her and that was the first thing she asked Jeff at the airport. We will miss Sanibel.

Ok, so now I had the evening to pack and get ready for admission to the hospital. I was admitted the next morning at 8:30 so really didn't have a chance to get worried or anxious about things. It all happened so quickly. I went up to the day surgery area and right after getting changed, the O.R. was already calling up for me. They were ready for me over an hour before I was supposed to go in. They quickly got me prepped and away I went. Hugs and kisses from Jeff and my mom and then I was getting my lines put in. (IV and arterial line) Christine and Laura were on their way up to see me before I went in but because of the schedule change I missed them. I recognized my nurse right away - she was the same one I had when I was in for brain surgery. This made me feel at ease right away. The doctor and anethetist came in to see me and explain what would be happening and after checking with me numerous times that we were operating on the right side I was pushed into the O.R. They even marked my right side with an (R) to made sure they got the right one. The last thing I remember was being introduced to all the staff who would be working on me and then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room and was completely out of it. I don't remember much of what happened in there but I do remember Jeff and my mom coming in to see me. The lady at the desk was not going to allow it but after talking to my mom and Jeff decided to give them a few minutes with me. The next day or so I was in and out of it. Because I couldn't have an epidural for pain they were giving me some other drugs which made me very dozy. My family has some pretty hilarious stories about me trying to put on lip gloss and falling asleep; getting out of bed very adament about doing things for myself. That doesn't sound like me at all does it?! haha!! The following day after surgery they were able to pull out all my tubes and lines. I have never been hooked up to so many in my life. Getting the chest tube out was a huge relief and I felt much better after that was gone. My sisters took turns spending the night with me in the hospital which ended up being perfect as I was in for two nights. They were so wonderful looking after me and making sure I was comfortable. So after two nights and getting my pain under control the doctor said that I could go home. Thanks to the physiotherapist I had I was able to move around independently and I was determined to get back on my feet. I was so happy to be home and the boys were so happy to see that their mom is doing OK. It's so nice to have this overwith and now just take time to recover before I think about what comes next. We basically wait for the pathology to come back before deciding if I go back on the Interferon again or not. The pathology report could take up to 6 weeks to come back so I really have nothing to do in the meantime but get my strength back. I will keep you all posted....

Thank you to all of you for your prayers, thoughts and well wishes. It gives me the strength to keep fighting!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

One more sleep!!

Well, I leave to go to the retreat tomorrow. So looking forward to it! One of my sisters was able to come with me as there was a last minute cancellation so it should be lots of fun! I spent most of this week at the hospital getting all my pre-op tests and stuff done. The pulmonary function tests (breathing tests) weren't much fun but I made it through. I met with the anesthetist guy and everything looks good. The only concern is the fact that I can not have an epidural which they normally do to help with the post operative pain. Because I still have some swelling of the brain and residual tumour (which they think is inactive) it makes things a little more complicated. That being said they will be giving me some extra freezing and I'll just have to make sure they are giving me enough pain meds. To think that I was hesitant to take any kind of medications not too long ago is a little bizarre. Now whatever they can give me to make me feel normal - I'll take it!

I recently learned a new phrase which has really helped me and will help me along the way. ***realistically hopeful*** This is something that I will really strive to be. Forget all the melanoma horror stories I've heard and all the horrible statistics of this disease. Do I dare hope for a future for myself? I have to. I don't want to live any other way. So although we are realistic about what this disease can do, we are also very hopeful that my case will be different and we hope for a cure!

So, the next time you hear from me will probably be sometime after surgery so in the meantime love life, dream big and believe in miracles!

And don't forget to slather on the sunscreen!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Summertime!

Well, I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather we have been having. I got my surgery scheduled as soon as I get back from the retreat in Vancouver. I'm pretty happy about being able to still go. A little nervous about having to go through another surgery but my surgeon is the best so that puts my mind at ease a little. Unfortunately, this is going to be an open surgery as they can't do it endoscopically (through a small incision with a camera) as we were hoping. The nodule is too small for him to get at this way - which is a good thing. I'm anxious to have this thing out and find out if it's cancer or NOT.

We have had to stop the treatments I was on to prepare my body for surgery. This is very disappointing and very difficult for me. I want to be doing everything I can to fight this thing. Hopefully I will be able to restart the treatments after I've recovered. I can just be thankful that I am able to have surgery to remove this.

I am really looking forward to the summer at home with the kids. They are so anxious for school to be out. It will be so nice to have all this time to spend with them. Hope everyone takes the time to enjoy this beautiful sunshine but make sure you cover up!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Retreat here I come!!

I had a great Mother's Day! We had everyone over to our place and I didn't even have to cook. They all brought supper which was awesome. The kids made me breakfast and even did all the dishes afterwards. The two older ones were fooling around in the kitchen doing the dishes and it brought back so many memories of when I was little. These moments with my boys just seem to matter so much more these days. Why can't everyday be Mother's Day?

I got some exciting news yesterday! I am on my way to a retreat at the end of the month for cancer survivors. I have been thinking about going to this retreat for a few months but wasn't sure how I would be feeling or if I would be able to go. Well, my plane ticket is bought and I am off! Jeff has been on this retreat with my cousin Earl who has osteosarcoma and they had a great time. Jeff thinks that it will be good for me to go and meet some other people going through this. I am hoping that I come back re-energized and ready for the next round of my fight. I still havn't heard from the thoracic surgeon so surgery won't be scheduled for a while. These days I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster with all the ups and downs. The ups are what I live for and I get through the downs.

I am just so thankful to have the time here that has been given to me. This is the greatest gift there is. Time.......

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!

Finally a good day! The sun is shining and it just so happens that I am starting to feel better. It's funny how that works. Sunshine seems to make everything seem to be OK. We've spent the last few days trying to process what we learned on Wednesday and so we're feeling a lot better about things now. This treatment has been taking a lot out of me but I concentrate and live for the good days like today! There are a couple of melanoma stories that I've heard lately which give me new hope. I love to hear the positive outcomes that do happen. I was reading in the paper this past week about the new bill that they are trying to put through about tanning beds. Minors will need permission from a parent before using them and they are making the warning labels clearer and easier to read. Awesome! I never did use tanning beds but I know so many people who do. Hopefully this new bill will help decrease the numbers of people getting melanoma and other skin cancers. We all need to cover up this summer and protect ourselves and our children.

I hope that everyone enjoys their Mother's Day tomorrow! Give your little ones extra hugs and kisses and cherish every moment with them. I know I will be!

Happy Mother's Day!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

News....

Ok, so we didn't get the best news at the doctor today but we're still staying positive. The lung CT I had a few weeks ago shows that the nodule in my right lung has grown and so they suspect that it is cancer. This means I'll be referred to a thoracic surgeon to discuss surgery. Not exactly what we wanted to hear but it could be worse - it could always be worse. The good news is that my brain MRI showed no progression of disease so this is awesome!! This means that the gamma knife surgery worked and now I go back in 3 months for another follow up MRI. We're happy about this.

This is just another obstacle for me to overcome and I'm so thankful that I have so much love and support to get me through this. It sounds like I will be able to continue on with the treatments that I am still taking until surgery and then I will have to break for a couple of weeks before starting up again. We're still hoping that the Interferon will work and stop any further growth in my body.

On a positive note, I went out with my sisters Sunday night to a play/musical here in town. We had a fabulous time and really enjoyed the production. I love just spending time with my two best friends. We laughed alot and it was so nice to have a break from everything.

We got our pictures and they turned out beautiful. Our family won a photo contest just after I was diagnosed and so the photographer came out to our house this winter and took a bunch of shots. My favorite was a shot of all of us piled up in the snow - everyone smiling. Jeff's friend from school entered us in this contest and they liked our story so much that they picked our family. The photos turned out beautiful and we received $1000 worth of them. Thanks Peekaboo Studio Photography! These photos really mean a lot to us. I was saying to Jeff "Wow! I don't look sick and you don't look stressed! She did a great job!"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cancer.ca

Hello Everyone!

Well, I hope everyone has recovered from Friday night. I know it took me a couple of days to catch up. Things have been busy around here the last couple of days. I went to another support group meeting and enjoyed talking to everyone. I found out that they are testing a new vaccine for melanoma in Canada. This gives us all hope that they will come up with something soon. On our way home from the meeting we picked up Jeff and the boys from hockey. We were discussing a few things from the meeting and from the back seat my 5 year old says,"Mom just go to cancer.ca. You can get the cure on there." When I asked him how he knew that he said that he heard it on the radio. We all got a chuckle from that. If only it were that simple. It amazes me that our boys are so accepting of what is going on. It has become a natural and normal part of our conversation these days.

We are still waiting for my latest test results. We find out next week the results from my lung CT and my brain MRI. When you have every test and scan imaginable done it doesn't surprise me that they would find some other things going on in my body besides cancer. I found out during one of my scans that I have a goiter on my thyroid. My doctor says that goiters used to be a sign of beauty many, many years ago. I have always been behind the times in fashion, I just didn't know how far behind I was. haha! So now I will be going to see a surgeon to find out what to do about this beauty lump. Maybe they should just leave it and it will come back into style one of these years!

So for now we're just praying that all my scans come back clear and will be very relieved when this happens!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Thank you!!!

The social was a huge success Friday night!!! I don't know how to thank everyone enough for their love and support. Thank you just doesn't seem enough. We had donations come in from all over and raised enough funds to pay our cost of my medications plus some. This is a huge relief for us and now we can just concentrate on getting me better. I had a fabulous time and it sounds like everyone else did too.

It was a very crazy day on Friday. My brain MRI was rescheduled and I ended up having to go for that before the social. I thought I could have a rest while inside but I forgot how noisy that machine is. It sounds like a fire alarm going off. Mind you, it is much more comfortable now without a brain tumour! The first time I had an MRI I thought my head was going to explode! So after we were done this (my mom came with me) we ran to Costco to pick up a few things for the social. By the time we got back it was time for me to go get my hair done. Thanks to my fabulous hairdresser!! It was nice to have this time to relax. My in-laws had arrived and Jeff's Aunt and her friend too. It was so great that they could all come. One of my greatest friends stopped in when I got home to say hi. She is an awesome person and I wish we had more time visit! Then it was time to go.

We got to the hall and I was taken by surprise at how wonderful it all looked! I was given a beautiful wrist corsage to wear for the evening. The silent auction tables were loaded with prizes and stretched all the way down the length of the hall! It was awesome!! Thank you to everyone and anyone who donated prizes. There were many raffles and so lots of people left with loot! Everyone who bought a package of tickets for the auction received a lovely flower so it was nice seeing all the woman walking around with flowers. All of the bouquets and flowers around the hall were beautiful! So we visited and danced all night and had a blast! I actually didn't do any dancing but there were lots who did. The music man was a hoot and got everyone up dancing. The food was awesome!! A local farmer donated all the meat which was delicious and our local grocery store supplied the buns. For dessert we had a cake table full of every kind of cake you can imagine. These cakes were all made by family and friends. Everyone loved the cake table!! Yummy!!! There were so many people working hard to make this night as amazing as it was!

I wanted to stand up and say thank you to everyone but I didn't realize how nervous I would be. Good thing I had Jeff standing beside me. It's so hard for me to express in words how I feel. I took a deep breath and said my thank you's. I only teared up a little. I'm feeling quite emotional these days with everything that's happening. I really hope that people can realize how precious life is without having to go through all of this. I wish that I could bottle this feeling up and pass it out to all of you. I am so thankful for every day that I now have. It was just so wonderful to see so many people there! I also received numerous emails and cards from those who couldn't make it sending their love and best wishes. These mean so much to me and I treasure them all.

So I actually made it through the whole night and was one of the last to leave. I was thankful that I was feeling so good. So when I got home it was time for my injection and then off to bed. I didn't get much sleep but the night was so worth it!!!

I would like to send a special thank you to our friends in Benito for their donations and support. The Benito School held a movie night and donated the funds from the canteen to our family which really touched us. We miss all of our friends and the community of Benito!

I will be posting pictures of the evening very soon. I hope everyone had a great time and can't thank you enough for being there for our family! Thank you all!!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Feeling the love!

Wow! I can't believe that the social is almost here. My family and friends have been hard at work getting everything planned and ready for Friday night. What a wonderful response we have gotten! I think that there is only a few tickets left floating around. I feel so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family! I am overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity that has been shown to us. I am definitely feeling the love!!! We went and picked up my Aunt from the airport this afternoon after a a quick visit at Cancer Care. Kaden was so excited to go to the airport!! There are so many people coming from all over the place. I can't wait to see you all!

I got a wonderful surprise in the mail yesterday. My sister had emailed Jann Arden (who I love) and told her about me. I went to see her concert with my sister last November. I passed on buying tickets at first - not a priority. Then my big sister called to let me know that she won two tickets and she was giving them to me and my other sister. I was so excited!! I was having some symptoms from the brain tumour at that time. I was seeing two of Jann up on stage and the static echoing through my ears was driving me crazy but what a great concert!! She sounded unbelievable and I left there feeling so alive! We laughed til we cried! She is so hilarious!! Less than two weeks later I got my diagnosis. Since then I listen to her music all the time and it makes me feel better. It got me through Gamma Knife Surgery! So you can imagine how excited I was to get an autographed CD in the mail from her! She also sent another CD and some other stuff for the silent auction! Next time she comes to Winnipeg I will definitely be there!! Love her!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Support

So it's Wednesday and I'm through the first week of my home therapy. It's gone fairly well I would say. Monday night went well and the symptoms were not as bad. So it seems to just get better the more I take it. I can definitely feel the fatigue setting in now but I'm still able to do my everyday things; it just takes a little more out of me than before. I was able to go to a Support Group for Melanoma patients last night. This is so exciting for me as I have never had the opportunity to meet anyone else with this disease. I was surprised to hear that this is the only Melanoma Support Group around and last night was it's very first night. It seems to me that it is time to shed some light on Malignant Metastatic Melanoma so that no one has to live alone with their disease. I can't even explain what this means to me - to speak to others going through this right now. I was able to meet the person whom I spoke to on the phone when I was making the decision whether or not to take the Interferon. She is an amazing lady! This group is full of kindness and support and I already look forward to the next one. It was so awesome to meet others who know what rigors are!

So I just finished reading the Twilight series and loved it! Nothing like being swept away in a fantasy world of vampires and werewolves to get your mind off of things. I had almost decided that maybe it would be OK to be bitten by a vampire and made immortal but then I thought better not. I wouldn't want to be bloodthirsting after my own children! So now I've moved on to The Secret, a book about being positive in your life and what this brings you. I'm not sure if I buy in to the fact that we attract everything that happens in our lives - both good and bad. I would say that I am a very positive person and never wanted to be in a car accident or diagnosed with cancer. It's how you deal with these situations that matters. It's if you can still be happy with your new changed life. I can't wait to get deeper into this book. So as you can see I've been doing lots of reading with all this extra time. If you've read a good book recently and loved it, let me know!

I am so looking forward to seeing everyone coming to the social next weekend. We have received tremendous support from family, friends and our community! Everyone has worked really hard to bring this together. It's going to be a fun night - a celebration of life!!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Hats!

I love waking up to the sun shining throught my window! It has been so beautiful here the last couple of mornings. I was not looking forward to doing my injection Friday, espcially after how I felt on Wednesday. I decided to try doing it a little later in the evening hoping that I would be able sleep through some of the side effects. I took it and laid awake waiting to feel the effects. This time was much better than Wednesday and I actually got some sleep and felt pretty good in the morning. Thank goodness for anti-nauseants and Tylenol!!! I even had some energy so after doing a few things around the house I walked uptown with my sister to meet my mom for lunch. We went to the teahouse (which I love) and my other sister stopped by for a few minutes to say hi. After a yummy lunch (I even had dessert) we went upstairs to look around. I was completely exhausted by the time I got home but what a wonderful day!!!

If you are ever having a bad day or you just need a really good laugh go and try on some hats. Everytime I've been out shopping with my mom and sisters I seem to be drawn to the hats. As soon as I start trying them on all of us end up cracking up and almost peeing our pants from laughing so hard. Hats are fun! Or maybe it's just because I look so silly in a hat. It all started a few months ago when I found myself trying on big, fluffy, fur hats. Then I started trying them on my mom. We were giggling so loud that the salesperson was looking over and giving us dirty looks. The next time it was toques. Toques with pompoms, toques with braids and ballcap looking toques. It was hilarious! Now it's the season for sunhats (which we should all be wearing this summer) and we had a blast trying them on and laughing at ourselves in the mirror. Except my one sister who looks great in every hat - she is definetly a hat girl whereas I am not!

Anyway, hope everyone enjoys the sunshine and if you're down today try modeling some hats!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Memories

I was very happy to have gotten my medication just in time! I went to pick it up on Wednesday and carried it like it was gold to the van. Jeff, my mom and I all went to meet with the Pharmacist at Cancer Care to learn how to do these injections. Seemed a little more complicated then I thought it would be but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. The pharmacist was great at explaining everything. So I gave myself my first injection while my audience watched and then that was it - that wasn't so bad! The first time is always kind of strange because you don't really know what to expect. Every time I get a break from treatment and then I start again I experience different symptoms. So I wait for something to happen. I felt fine when I got home so I had something to eat and called one of my best friends to chat. We had a great visit, then by the time I got off the phone with her I wasn't feeling too good. Let's just say it was a rough night after that. Jeff jumped in as my nurse again bringing me Tylenol and making sure that I was OK. I am so thankful to have him by my side. He has been my rock through all of this.

The next day I was off to my CT scan with my Dad. It's so great to have such a supportive family. I never have to go to any of these tests or treatments alone. There is always someone there to keep me company. When I walked into the CT department my stomach hit the floor. I havn't been back there since I first found out that I had a brain tumour. The room looked all too familiar. My dad chose to sit in the same chair that my mom had sat in the last time we were here so I sat in the familiar chair beside him. Staring at the clock in front of me, waiting for my turn brought back so many memories. I have had other CT scans since my first one but they have always sent me to the other CT department. After a bit of a wait my name was called. I went in and about 10 minutes later I was done. She said I could change and leave. Now it's always a bit of a shock when they let me go right away. I think I hold my breathe until I hear those words and then I can relax. This CT scan was the easiest one that I have had. They didn't give me contrast so I didn't need an IV and I didn't have to drink their special drink which I found out the last time I am allergic to. So this was awesome! Now it's the waiting game. My doctor is away for three weeks so I'm assuming I won't hear anything until he gets back. Now I shove it to the back of my mind and concentrate on getting my treatment tonight over with. The pharmacist had said that the first two will be the most difficult and then things should settle down after that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Biological therapy

So today is the big day! I start my at home portion of my treatment. The only problem is there is a apparently a shortage of Interferon right now and I'm having trouble getting it in time to start today. Thinking ahead, I took my prescription in to get filled a couple of weeks ago. They didn't really seem to know what Interferon was and couldn't find it in the computer. So eventually they found it and I asked for it to be ready for April 5th. I thought I'd give myself a couple of days just in case there was a problem. Good thing! When I called on Monday to make sure it was there, she let me know that they hadn't ordered it yet. So when they tried to order it that day, they found out that there is a shortage of it right now. She contacted the drug company and they are trying to get it here for today so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I would hate to have to delay my treatment. I feel for the people who are very ill that have to deal with this all the time. I find it very frustrating navigating through the system! Maybe that's what I'll do when I'm through all this.......help cancer patients figure this out. I should be a pro by then.

We always talk about my treatment in just those words - my treatment. Now I feel that I need to call it something else. Something a little more descriptive and not so vague. Who knows what people could be thinking when I'm talking about my treatment. My middle son was watching TSN the other day and he was very irritated that they were talking about Tiger Woods and him being in treatment. He was anxious to watch the hockey highlights. He said to me, "Mom, I wonder if he's taking the same treatment as you." I chuckled to myself and told him I didn't think so. I was so glad that they hadn't gone into detail about his treatment. So now I have to come up with another term to use in its place.

Other than the whole mess up with my prescription, things are really good right now. I feel great not being on any medications. I am going for a CT scan tomorrow of my lungs to see if this nodule on my right side has grown or not. I am praying that this is not cancer! I'm not very good at this watch and wait thing. I always just want to know so that I can do something about it. Well, I'm off to the gym with my sister this morning. Get in a good workout before my treatment this afternoon. Thank you everyone for all the prayers and well wishes! This has helped me tremendously in staying positive.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

It's not just hair.

We've been having a great Spring Break visiting with family and friends. I've sort of been trying to forget about things this week and just enjoy some time off from everything. You would think that would be an easy thing to do. I finished phase one of my treatment last week and am now getting ready to start the second phase on Wednesday. I am so happy to be able to do this second part at home and not have to go into Cancer Care every day. Maybe life will get back to being somewhat normal....

Back to my story - So now that I had decided to take the biological therapy, it took a lot of the pressure and stress away. Once I made the decision then it seemed to make things a lot easier. I have to admit, I did waiver back and forth a little bit in the next couple of weeks. One of the most difficult things for me is that I have felt fairly healthy throughout this entire time. So why make myself sick? Now I realize that sometimes we have to do things that will affect our bodies in a negative way to get better longterm. Then it hit me. I was standing in the shower washing my hair and as I brought my hands down I realized that I was holding clumps of my hair in my hands. My hair was falling out - in handfuls! This devastated me! I hadn't even started the treatment yet. Why was this happening? The drug that I would soon be taking caused thinning of your hair but not hair loss. Standing there with my hair in my hands I realized that this was really happening. I was sick. I have cancer. It was like I was pretending that it wasn't true and then the reality of it hit me like a tonne of bricks. When I was going in for surgery they made a big deal about not having to shave my head and I was thinking big deal, it's just hair. Well now I've realized that it's not actually the hair loss that is so hard but it's the feelings that come along with it. I have been fortunate enough to have lots of hair to spare and my bald spot is covered up so most people don't even notice. I now have a new appreciation for hair though. I found out that this bald spot I now have is from the Gamma Knife Surgery I had at the end of January. The radiation can cause hair loss.

I have met some amazing people during my month in Chemotherapy. You will find the most positive and inspiring people there. It gives you a new perspective on life - that's for sure. I met a man who was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and was only given a few months to live. That was 1 1/2 years ago. He told me not to worry about what the doctors say and just trust in God. I was going to be OK he said. It's hard when you look around the room and realize that we are all there for the same reason. Why does cancer exist? I ask myself this all the time. Why are so many of us affected by this disease? It would be hard to find one person that doesn't know someone who has cancer. It's a good thing that they are coming up with new treatments all the time. I feel very fortunate and thankful now for the treatment I have been offered. It may not be a sure thing but at least it's something.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Say Good Bye to Phase 1

I just got back from my LAST IV treatment!! I feel unbelievable! What a relief to have that part finished and now, to get a week and a half off; I don't even know what I'll do with myself!! The nurses were wonderful today as usual. I am so very thankful for all the amazing staff that work in Chemo. I was expecting when I first started going that it would be a very depressing, sad place to be. It is totally not like that at all. They always have a smile for you from the minute you walk in the door. It has made things so much easier having these special angels taking care of me. I'm also very happy about getting my PICC line out today!! No more worrying about getting it wet in the shower and trying to find a comfortable position to sleep without leaning on my arm too much. My mom and sister took me today so afterwards we went out for dessert to celebrate. Today was a good day!!!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

To Treat or Not to Treat

I was so relieved to have Gamma Knife out of the way. Now I had about a month to decide whether or not to take the treatment that they were offering me. I had a few visits with the Oncologist to discuss his plan. My options were to take this biological therapy (Interferon), which would include 20 IV treatments at Cancer Care followed by 48 weeks of injections done at home. The side effects of this treatment are too many for me to list, some serious and some minor. The most common ones being extreme fatigue, nausea, chills, fever and basically you feel like you have the flu for a year. I got a chance to talk to the pharmacist and honestly I left there thinking there is no way I'm going to do that! Are they crazy!? This treatment is very contraversial and they can only speculate why it seems to work for some people. Basically, it's used in melanoma to prolong your time between recurrences on average a year. So if your cancer was going to come back in 2 years this drug would extend that to 3 years. Melanoma is a very sneaky and unpredictable cancer so it's impossible for the doctors to guess what it's going to do. They would never have imagined that mine would come back after 9 years. That's pretty much unheard of. Most people have a recurrence between 2 - 5 years. Anyway, so my choices were to take the treatment or not and see what happens.

We decided to put a timeline on this decision so that we weren't stressing about it for a whole month. After lots of discussion with the family, Jeff and I decided to go for it. What else could I do? I had the opportunity to talk to someone else with melanoma who had just finished her treatment which was so helpful for me. If she could do it then so could I. She's an amazing person! Very positive and we talked for over an hour. It was great talking to someone else who was going through something similar to me. I felt that I didn't want to have any regrets about the decisions that I made. If I didn't try it and the cancer came back I wouldn't want to wonder if the treatment would have stopped it. So that was that - the decision was made!

We then figured that since Jeff was going to be on reading week then we should take the kids out of school for the week and just have fun!!! We didn't know exactly how I would be feeling once treatments started so we planned a family week of fun!! It was a blast!! We got the kids to pick their most favorite things to do and we went and did them. I just love watching them laugh and being free! I think Laser Tag and Glow Bowling were our favorites. My arms and legs have JUST recovered from rock climbing!!! Living and becoming part of every moment is something that I strive for all the time now...

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Christmas Bell

Well, I just got back from my treatment tonight and I'm feeling pretty good. Wednesday and Thursday were a little rough probably because I had the week before off but now I think that my body is getting used to it again. I only have 2 left and then I get 10 days off. I'm pretty pumped about this - just in time for Spring Break!!

I want to rewind for a minute back to just after my surgery. I forgot to tell you the best Christmas story! A few days after surgery I was recovering at home and the boys were being so loveable and helpful. They really wanted their mom to get better soon. They would all come into my room regularly asking me if I needed anything. Gavin came in one day (he's 8) and when I told him that I was fine he ran out to our Christmas tree and brought me back a little jingle bell ornament. He told me that all I had to do was ring the bell and he would come check on me. So cute! So the next day I was getting something off my bedside table and I knocked the bell to the floor. Well, all of a sudden I had my three boys running into my room to see what they could do for me. When I told them that I had knocked the bell off accidently and after convincing them that I really didn't need anything they went back to what they were doing. I have the 3 most wonderful boys!! They have really helped me through this giving me ample hugs and kisses!

Anyway, better get to bed and cozy into my electric blanket before the chills start. I will be giving my boys extra hugs tonight!!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gamma Knife

Well, it was time for gamma knife surgery to clean up any cancer cells left after surgery. Apparently, there are microscopic cells left after a surgery like mine that they want to get rid of before they grow into another tumour. Gamma knife is sort of like radiation but not. It is when they use tiny gamma rays, all focused around the tumour so that they meet right at in the middle. This minimizes radiation exposure so that they can use very high doses which is what melanoma responds to. Melanoma is not treated with your typical radiation because they can't use the high doses that they would need to without damaging the brain too much. I was admitted at 5:30 a.m. that morning so I was more than a little bit tired. I actually got a pretty good sleep that night even though I was a pretty anxious. There were 5 of us all waiting for gamma knife and when the nurse came to walk us down I couldn't help but laugh with Christine (my sister). I felt like we were walking the green mile or something. We were all walking single file behind the nurse and it made me feel like we were prisoners on our way to meet our destiny. Never mind in the waiting room when a discussion took place about "What each of us were in for". I guess you had to be there...

Anyway, I got my IV put in (something that I was getting very used to by now). And next it was time to get my headgear on that I would wear for most of the morning. Two doctors attached this Hannibal Lector looking device to my head. They cursed my hair as they did this because it was getting in their way. Eventually they got it secured and yes they did use a local anesthetic to make me more comfortable. I got wheeled out into the waiting area and the next patient got called in. Of course they were all asking me how it felt and if it hurt. I felt a little weird being the only one with this contraption on my head but soon enough we were all looking the same. We looked like we were going to a Star Wars convention or something. Christine took pictures, of course, this was a Creative Memories moment! Now I got wheeled down to MRI for my scan. They attached a box onto my headgear and secured me to the machine. What a weird feeling! I started thinking..... What if there is a fire and they forget about me? or what if Jason with his hockey mask comes in? There is no way that I could get out on my own. I was feeling very helpless laying there and just wishing it would be over quickly. Then I went to the spa. This is a place I go to often in my mind. I start thinking about being in the mineral pool, relaxing and all of a sudden I am there. It really does work for me and I forget about all of my fears.

Next, it was time for my head CT and this was much quicker and not as uncomfortable as the MRI. Getting around with this contraption on was something else. I got up to use the washroom and the weight was unreal. I made it through the doorway without hitting my now giant head! When I got back to the gamma knife area the doctor brought around doughnuts for all of his patients. What a nice guy! Or maybe this is his bribe for letting him do this to us?! Whatever, I love doughnuts!!! Being in the gamma knife area was such an amazing experience. It was so quiet and peaceful and really made you feel at ease. They had nice spa music playing and the staff was so relaxed.You could tell that they all really like working there. The team there figuring out my treatment plan was a Radiation Oncologist, a Neurosurgeon and a Physicist. They each had their own specialty and I completely trusted them. I was then secured to the bed by my head contraption so that I wouldn't be able to move my head and they began my treatment. This lasted for an hour and I did not feel a thing the entire time. It helped that they let me bring in a CD to listen to during this time. I brought in Jann Arden of course. (I love her!) My sister and I had gone to see her the end of November and we had a great time. Even with seeing two of Jann and hearing some static in my ears it was awesome! I can't imagine going now that I'm feeling better! So they acutally play the music through the gamma knife machine speakers! It sounded great!

After the hour they came into get me. As he was taking off the head gear that was I used to wearing at that point I felt relief at first, then the headache started. They apparently call this a rebound headache and some people get this when all of the pressure is released by removing the head gear. This lasted about 30 minutes and after some Tylenol and a little rest I was fine. Ready to go! My Aunt had come to check on me and we had a bit of a visit before we left. I felt bad as I left everyone else waiting for their turn with the head contraption on. I was lucky to be the first one in to get it over with but felt like I was deserting my fellow Star Wars fans. I met a really nice lady while we were waiting for our MRI so she called me over to ask about how it felt and what it was like. She had been getting brain tumours since she was in her 20's and had many different treatments to get rid of them. This was the first time for gamma knife and I could really see what an amazing gift this is. Gamma knife saves people's lives and we are lucky enough to have one in Winnipeg. We also have very talented Doctors who are specialized enough to use it. All I had was 4 tiny holes where the pins had been placed! Much better than surgery! I am very thankful for this!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Treatment

I was pretty amazed at how quickly I healed from surgery - so was everyone else. We got together with a lot of family over the holidays and everyone was so surprised at how normal I looked. I was feeling a little "different" than normal. Everything around me was so different. I could see so much better and everything looked so much brighter and clearer. My hearing was intensified - I felt a little like I had super powers. I'm not sure if this was from having surgery or getting used to not having the tumour anymore. I did have major issues with my depth perception. I kept banging my head on walls and doors for some reason. I was walking around with a goose egg on my forhead for weeks just like a baby learning to walk. Jeff found this quite amusing! My sisters and I had been going to our local gym and working out for months so within a couple of weeks I decided it was time to get back into it. I could only walk while they ran beside me but it was so nice to get out of the house and get some exercise. Another couple of weeks and I would be running beside them. I really cherished this time with them and was so happy that I was well enough to do it.

I went in to see the Oncologist at the end of January to get all of my results back. I was so nervous to hear what he had to say. During every test that I had, I was trying to read the technologist to see if I could feel some vibes from them. Was it normal? Was something there? It didn't work! I couldn't tell at all what they were seeing. They did call me back in after my PET scan for an MRI of my liver which was very worrisome. But I stayed positive and really believed that it would come back as nothing. So when I went in to see the Oncologist, he let me know that the only thing abnormal that they could find was a little spot on my lung. Everything else was clear!!! What a relief! The spot on my lung he wasn't sure whether it's cancer or not so I will have another scan in three months to see if it has changed in size. It was sort of bitter sweet hearing this news. At least there wasn't any other large tumour anywhere like they initially thought! This proves that the brain tumour came from the skin lesion I had years ago. This means that I have Stage IV metastatic melanoma NED. (No Evidence of Disease) Therefore, there is treatment for me.

We discussed treatment using Interferon and he explained what this would involve. I learned that this treatment was very contraversial and so were it's results. I had a lot to think about in the next few weeks and I had to get ready for Gamma Knife Surgery the following day....

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ready for Christmas

After I got lots of hugs and kisses from my boys it was time to have a little rest. Christine was here looking after me and making sure that I was all right. It wasn't long after I got home that I started thinking that my doctor was crazy. The kids were running around yelling and playing and I really was not feeling well. My head was pounding and the noise was just making it worse. I started thinking that maybe it was too soon for me to be at home. This really only lasted for about a day until I got the pain under control and the boys realized that I was really not feeling good so they were much quieter. It was almost Christmas though so they were very excited! I was determined to make this the best Christmas ever! We never know what is going to happen tomorrow so we need to really live for today.

We spent the next few days getting ready for Christmas. I remember walking in Walmart and having the most bizarre feeling. One minute you're carrying on with your daily life, the next minute you realize that you may not be here tomorrow, then you're walking in Walmart shopping as if nothing happened. People were rushing around smashing their carts into each other and I'm thinking: Relax people! Life is short! I actually met a woman in line who had just survived a heart attack. I let her ahead of us becuase she only had a few things and we started talking. When I told her that I had just had brain surgery she was shocked and we talked about how you never know what other people are going through.

I then got a phone call from the medical oncologist's nurse. He wanted to see me before Christmas so two days later I was in his office. This is when we found out that maybe the cancer hadn't spread from somewhere else. Maybe it had been from the skin lesion that I had in 2001. When I was pregnant with Gavin I had a mole removed from my temple. I really wasn't worried about it. Then I got a call from the surgeon who removed it and he wanted to see me in his office right away. It was my last day of work before going on maternity leave. This is when I found out that it was melanoma and they needed to do a wide excision after I had the baby. I have been seeing an Oncologist at Cancer Care ever since and there has never been anything else to worry about. Usually, the type of lesion that I had would be removed and that would be the end of it. After 5 years of follow up I was reassured that since it didn't come back within this time frame it wouldn't come back. I was still receiving follow up as they were looking for a new lesion. We were thrilled to find out that maybe the brain tumour was from my previous skin lesion! Maybe it wasn't what the Neurosurgeon initially thought and the cancer hadn't spread through my body. This was very good news for us. The Oncologist also let me know that he was going to be taking good care of me and that made me feel so much better. We talked with him for about an hour and I was so relieved when we left. He was scheduling a battery of tests to see where exactly the cancer was.

Over the next few weeks I would have a full body CT scan, a PET scan, a bone scan, an MRI of my chest and lots of blood work. This was the hardest part for me. Waiting for all my results.....

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Discharged home

My mom and I spent alot of time talking during the night. We were both still in shock over what was happening. I couldn't sleep anyway because of the neurological checks, they were waking me up for every half an hour. I passed them all with flying colors. Yes, I knew what my name was and where I was. I did experience some pain once the general anesthetic had worn off but after a bag of codeine and some T#3's I was comfortable. The morning came and it was time for the doctors rounds. This was an interesting experience! They sort of talk about you like you're not there and there were some words between two of them which weren't very nice. I felt like sticking up for my surgical resident and saying excuse me. He just saved my life. Leave him alone!! But I stayed out of it and just listened intently to what they were saying. It sounded like I was doing really well. I would be going down for a CT scan for them to see how things looked. My surgeon came in a little while later and he looked a lot happier than the previous day. He said, "Ready to go home?" Are you kidding me? I would love to go home and see my boys! I thought at first that he was joking but no, he was completely serious. Wow! You can have brain surgery then go home the next day?! I stayed longer in the hospital when I had Kaden.

The surgeon then noticed Michael (my brother-in-law) standing there with his coat on that reads: Gift of Life Program. Michael works for this program coordinating transplants. My surgeon had a very confused look on his face. He kept looking over at Micheal, then over at me. I told him that this was my brother-in-law and then he understood why he was there. Not to take my organs! As he was leaving to arrange my discharge he says to Michael, "You just leave her alone." It was so hilarious! We all couldn't stop laughing. He has a great sense of humour. I love that! Not everything has to be all serious all the time. I have laughed a lot through all of this. It makes me feel so much better. So the saying must be true: Laughter is the best medicine.

I got all of my tubes and lines out and went down for my head CT. It wasn't long when I came back up that they had the results and everything looked good. The physician's assistant was super nice and even showed us the before and after CTs. It was so unreal to see the first one where there was a huge tumour and then the after where it was just gone! I had some breakfast and then that was it - I could leave. When Jeff came in he was surprised, to say the least, that they were letting me go. They had initially told us that I would be in for 3 days. I was very anxious to get home though. There really wasn't anything they could do for me that I couldn't do at home. And this was during the H1N1 outbreak so I really just wanted to be at home. As Laura was wheeling me out everyone was waving and wishing me all the best. We have so many caring and compassionate health care staff. As I was being wheeled out that day I was so full of joy. I felt so thankful for everything in my life and I couldn't wait to hug my boys!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Our Christmas Miracle

This is the most amazing part of my story and I hope that I can describe it as being the magical experience that it was. I was transferred onto a stretcher and made comfortable by my nurse. She had never met me before yet she was so caring and compassionate towards me. We talked about why I was here and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I would get used to "the look". The look that I would get many, many times in a day. The look that I would respond to by reassuring people that I was going to be fine. It was OK - I was going to make it. The resident anesthesia guy and the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me. I went through my diagnosis with them and again why I was there. I saw the look again. I explained that I was going to be OK and that I was strong and healthy. The anesthesiologist commented on how great it was that I was so positive and that a great attitude makes such a big difference. He told me that they were going to take very good care of me and I knew that this was true. I put all of my faith and trust in them. After they left to go and get ready for surgery the nurse came back to get me. I asked her if they put a little something in my IV because I was surprised at how relaxed I felt. No just my antibiotic and my drug to bring down the swelling in my brain. Wow!!

As I was wheeled into the operating room I was sure that I had entered another world. It was like a time warp into the future. Everything looked so high-tech and complicated. The OR was amazing looking! The surgical resident came over and introduced himself and let me know he would be operating on me with the Neurosurgeon. They started attaching some equipment to me and that was the last thing that I remember. I was out! So during the next 1 1/2 hours I was unaware obviously of what was happening. My family, I found out later, was being kept up to date with how things were going. We had an angel in the OR! This is when the miracle happened..... The surgeon came out to let my family know that they got it all. The tumour was gone. It ended up being bigger then they thought - about the size of his fist. But it was gone! I woke up in the recovery room and the surgeon came in to let me know the good news. Although he had the most serious look on his face the entire time. Yes it was the melanoma - cancer but all I heard was that they got it all. They allowed Jeff and my mom into see me. I knew it was good news as soon as I saw their faces. Happy!! All of the prayers and good thoughts worked! The surgery was a complete success. It couldn't have gone any better! We were so happy and so was the surgical team. It was like everyone was celebrating this victory! A miracle!!

I had no ill effects from this surgery which was another reason to celebrate. A lot of times brain surgery can cause other problems but I had none. It truly was a miracle! I did NOT have to have my head shaved because the surgeon just parted my hair at the incision site and clipped along this line. You couldn't even tell. They even washed my hair before I woke up!! Unbelievable! I got to visit for a few minutes with the family before having a rest. I was actually feeling pretty good considering I was just waking up from brain surgery. I even had a nice chat with the nurse about her husband who also has melanoma. He had a skin lesion years ago and thankfully has been fine ever since. It's amazing I find how you can connect with so many people when you can relate to their experiences. I spent a few hours in the recovery room before being transferred to the step down unit where they would monitor me closely overnight. My mom stayed with me over night to help take care of me. I am so fortunate to have a mother that loves me with such intensity. I know that she will always be there for me - no matter what. This is part of the magical feeling that I have experienced. I could feel so much love from all of you! The emails, the phone calls, the notes and cards. I really could feel it all from you and it gave me so much strength and determination! I am thrilled that I have so many people fighting along beside me and I thank you all for this!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A break from treatment

Hello everyone. I received some disappointing news today from my nurse. I have been taking a biological therapy treatment for the last 3 weeks. They are stopping my treatment for a week because of my blood results. Apparently my neutrophils have become too low and this leaves me vulnerable to infection so we have to take a break. I was so looking forward to finishing up this last week before going on the self injections. I'm really looking forward to getting my PICC line out. I almost burst into tears on the phone with her this afternoon. I guess I'm a bit of an over-achiever. I wanted everything to go perfectly. Now things are delayed by a week and next week when I start up again they can only give me half of the dose. Will this affect the end result of taking this treatment? Just one more question to ask my doctor and I already know what the answer will be. "We don't know". There is so much unknown about this disease and the treatment for it that I find so frustrating! I should listen to Jeff. He says that maybe a break would be good right now. Give me some time to recuperate and get feeling better before starting up again. He's probably right.

Anyway, back to my story......

It was time for surgery and I had to face all of my biggest fears. What was going to happen? The boys went to school as normal on this day. We really wanted to keep them in their routines as much as possible. They are surrounded by very caring, loving teachers and staff at their schools which I took for granted before now. I was nervous but like I said I felt a calmness come over me. Waiting in the day surgery area was not much fun at all. The receptionist there was very loud and obnoxious yelling at everyone. Jeff and I went for a walk to get away from all the craziness. It was making me very uptight and stressed. I really think that when you're waiting to go in for surgery, whether it's a toenail removal or brain surgery that they should have a nice, peaceful area for you to relax. Maybe some nice spa music and soft lighting. Anyway, I still have to write my letter to the hospital making these suggestions. This was the one and only negative part of my experience at HSC so I guess I shouldn't complain. I was surrounded by family while we waited for my turn. Jeff, my mom, Christine, Laura and my Auntie Debbie were all here to visit with me while we waited. My dad stayed back at home to pick Kaden up from school and look after the kids until Jeff got home.

As the hours went by I started to get more and more panicked. My surgery was supposed to be hours ago but apparently they had changed the time and didn't tell us. They also ran into complications during the surgery before mine so it was delaying things. I was hoping that this unknown person would be alright. I tried remaining patient as a good patient should. I'd rather the surgeon take his time and maybe even have a little rest before beginning my surgery. Then I saw him.... They wheeled a patient in on the stretcher across from me and I knew right away that it was him. My Grandpa!? I could not take my eyes off of him. I knew that it couldn't really be him as my Grandpa had passed away years ago yet here he was in front of me. He looked over at me with the same smile I recognized from when I was a little girl and he nodded his head as if to say to me, "Everything's going to be OK, sweetheart." I looked over at my mom and she was just as shocked as I was. So it wasn't in my head. She recognized him too!! I could not look at anything other than him. The doctor came in and gave him some bad news and his daughter started crying but he was still looking over at me smiling and nodding his head. A thought popped into my head. Was he here for me? Is this what happens? But I knew by the way he was looking at me that no he wasn't taking me anywhere and I was going to be OK. It was a sign that I was going to be looked after by my loved ones. My mom and I talked about it later and she felt the same way that I did. Peaceful, calm, and reassured.

The nurse then came in to let us know that they may have to postpone my surgery. What??!! We were all not happy to say the least. Postpone until tomorrow? This would mean that I would have to go home for the night and go through all this again the next day. No way!! No one was very happy about this. Not long after her announcement she came back in to say that the surgeon was ready for me. Thank goodness. Back to feeling calm again. As I am wheeled through the halls everything was a blur. Literally, because they had taken my glasses from me. I couldn't see much of anything. The boy pushing my wheelchair looked no older than Tyler. He stopped so that we could all say our goodbyes - for now. We all ended up in tears and I had a hard time letting go of Jeff. The boy continued on down the hall and through the doors into surgery........