Thursday, June 24, 2010

Strength

I'm finding it hard to decide how to write this entry. Do I write it honestly or pretend that I'm feeling amazing. What does it mean to have strength? Does it mean that you push out all of the bad feelings and only feel the good ones? Do I pretend that everything is wonderful and I couldn't be happier? I want to be a strong person and give others strength but I'm struggling with this. Am I only showing the positives of having cancer? You can look at it anyway you want but cancer sucks!! There may be some wonderful things that come out of having cancer - a real love of life, true compassion for others and for yourself, getting out of things you may not want to do (Sorry, I can't make it. I have cancer.), getting off the phone with a telephone solicitor quickly (Sorry I can't support your cause or buy what you're selling. I have cancer.), getting ahead in the line at the grocery store (Sorry, can I just go ahead of you. I have cancer.) OK I've never actually used any of these but I have thought about! I focus on the here and now. I have my life. I have wonderful, caring family and friends around me. Most people I have met going through this focus their energy on these things. But if I were being truly honest I would say that it sucks. Being faced with your own mortality is a very scary thing. Because I am afraid, does this mean that I am not a strong person?

You are probably wondering where all this is coming from. We found out yesterday that the tumour I had removed from my lung is cancer - melanoma. It looks like they got it all which is a relief but what does this mean? I am back to square one - Stage IV melanoma with metastasis to the brain and lung (no evidence of disease) Scary stuff! What am I going to do about this? I'm going to go back on the treatment I was on before surgery (Interferon) and turn my body into a cancer fighting machine by eating healthy and boosting up my immune system. I am going to take better care of myself. I am going to enjoy every minute with Jeff and the boys. I am going to take more chances and do the things that I've always been too afraid to do. I'm not going to take this gift called life for granted.....

Monday, June 14, 2010

Beauty...

What a beautiful day it is today! I absolutely love days like this. The sky is so blue, the sun is shining (that's why I slathered on the sunscreen) and the birds are singing. I spent this morning outside reading and then went for a little walk around the block. (I am reading Crazy, Sexy cancer tips by Kriss Carr and it's a fabulous book) I am still taking it easy and not pushing myself too much. It's so nice to be able to get out and enjoy the day though. My pain has been really well controlled and I am slowing weaning off the pain meds. This has given me a lot of time to think about what I want and need in my life. Amazing how some quiet time opens up these thoughts. After learning so much about myself at the retreat I really want to dig deeper and keep this peacefullness that I now feel. I am looking into taking a yoga class and diving into the world of meditation. I intend on living every day to its fullest.

My sisters, my mom and I went to an information night last week at Cancer Care for Melanoma patients and their families. It was awesome! Not only did I get to catch up with my fellow melanoma warriors and their cheering squads but we were presented with the new treatments and trials for melanoma. Our medical team was there and we we were able to ask any of them questions and hear everything new that has been happening in the world of melanoma. The most exciting news is that they have come out with a new drug for Stage IV melanoma. There has never been a drug available for patients at this stage. The clinical trials are starting ASAP and are available in Winnipeg. It is such a relief to know that there is something out there that has already been proven to work. What I mean by "work" is it is giving us more time and maybe enough time to find a cure!? Now, yes I am stage IV but I have no evidence of disease right now so I'm not sure if this is an option for me but it is so good to know that they are spending lots of time and money researching this cancer. My case has been a little bit different from the beginning. We have thankfully been able to remove any tumour and potential tumours that have shown up. Yayyyyyyy!!! The statistics that are out there are mindblowing! More and more people are being affected by this cancer and at every age. This is why I am so passionate about people protecting themselves from the sun. This disease can be devastating and it can also be preventable (one of the few cancers that can). Everything that we can do to prevent this we should be doing. Genetics and history also play a huge part in who gets this disease but shouldn't we be doing everything we can to protect ourselves and our children.

There was also another huge event going on this same night - my cousin Earl's fundraising event. He is also fighting against cancer and I must say is kicking ass!! (Oh and by the way I have been told that when you have cancer you can use whatever profanities you want when describing it) All the guys in the family went to his night and had a great time and lots of laughs! It was really too bad that they were held on the same night but what can you do. We decided to divide and conquor! Keep fighting Earl! You rock!!!

I am finding that the best way to win this fight is by surrounding myself with positive, true people who want me to win this as much as I do. I am thankful for all of you and I know that I couldn't do it without you.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Love

Wow! Where do I start? Last time I was on here I was getting ready for the Retreat in Vancouver. Well, I had an absolutely amazing time! I met the most courageous, compassionate, caring people there. There is something about being with a roomful of people who are going through the same thing as you. It somehow made me feel normal for the first time in a very long time. Talking about their experiences and how they deal with them really helped me learn how to deal with mine. It's like we became a family over the 4 days and I will hold each person I met in my heart forever. We had a lot of fun but also worked through some very difficult issues that each of us are faced with. We all shed a lot of tears and laughed until we cried some more and I came home feeling like a whole person again. If you ever have the chance to go on a retreat I encourage you to go for it. It was an awesome experience! Thanks YACC!!!!!! You can check out their website at www.youngadultcancer.ca

In my life, whenever something good happens it's usually followed by something difficult. While I was away Jeff decided to take the kids up to visit his family and see his grandfather who has been very ill. Grandpa passed away peacefully before Jeff could get up to the hospital to see him but he was surrounded with love from all the family. We were unable to make it up for his funeral because I was in surgery the same day but our love and thoughts were with them. We love you Grandapa!

Some more bad news as we arrived home... My sister's (who came with me on the retreat)dog died while we were away. Sanibel has been a part of this family for many, many years and a few months ago we found out that she too had cancer. Christine had this strange feeling that something had happened to her and that was the first thing she asked Jeff at the airport. We will miss Sanibel.

Ok, so now I had the evening to pack and get ready for admission to the hospital. I was admitted the next morning at 8:30 so really didn't have a chance to get worried or anxious about things. It all happened so quickly. I went up to the day surgery area and right after getting changed, the O.R. was already calling up for me. They were ready for me over an hour before I was supposed to go in. They quickly got me prepped and away I went. Hugs and kisses from Jeff and my mom and then I was getting my lines put in. (IV and arterial line) Christine and Laura were on their way up to see me before I went in but because of the schedule change I missed them. I recognized my nurse right away - she was the same one I had when I was in for brain surgery. This made me feel at ease right away. The doctor and anethetist came in to see me and explain what would be happening and after checking with me numerous times that we were operating on the right side I was pushed into the O.R. They even marked my right side with an (R) to made sure they got the right one. The last thing I remember was being introduced to all the staff who would be working on me and then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room and was completely out of it. I don't remember much of what happened in there but I do remember Jeff and my mom coming in to see me. The lady at the desk was not going to allow it but after talking to my mom and Jeff decided to give them a few minutes with me. The next day or so I was in and out of it. Because I couldn't have an epidural for pain they were giving me some other drugs which made me very dozy. My family has some pretty hilarious stories about me trying to put on lip gloss and falling asleep; getting out of bed very adament about doing things for myself. That doesn't sound like me at all does it?! haha!! The following day after surgery they were able to pull out all my tubes and lines. I have never been hooked up to so many in my life. Getting the chest tube out was a huge relief and I felt much better after that was gone. My sisters took turns spending the night with me in the hospital which ended up being perfect as I was in for two nights. They were so wonderful looking after me and making sure I was comfortable. So after two nights and getting my pain under control the doctor said that I could go home. Thanks to the physiotherapist I had I was able to move around independently and I was determined to get back on my feet. I was so happy to be home and the boys were so happy to see that their mom is doing OK. It's so nice to have this overwith and now just take time to recover before I think about what comes next. We basically wait for the pathology to come back before deciding if I go back on the Interferon again or not. The pathology report could take up to 6 weeks to come back so I really have nothing to do in the meantime but get my strength back. I will keep you all posted....

Thank you to all of you for your prayers, thoughts and well wishes. It gives me the strength to keep fighting!!