I've been wanting to write a blog about the support that I have found through the years and how it has helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life. I came across some journaling that I had done while I was at my very first retreat. Reading through this was a great reminder of how far I have come since then. I do often talk about my friends and family and how much their support means to me and also my health care team and how they support me. There is also another area of support which has helped me tremendously through the years and my journal was a great reminder of this.
My cousin was going to a retreat in BC for young adult cancer survivors and asked Jeff to go with him as his supporter. Jeff went along and came home having had an incredible experience. Not only did it benefit my cousin tremendously meeting these other survivors and supporters and feeling less isolated and connected to this great group of people. It had a huge effect on Jeff as well. Several months later we found out that my cancer had come back and metastasized. Jeff really encouraged me to look into going on one of these retreats and so a few months after my recurrence I was on my way to BC for my first Young Adult Cancer Canada retreat. It would be one of the best and important decisions I have ever made. My sister came with me as my supporter and I have to be honest, I was super nervous. It really took me out of my comfort zone and I was so glad that she was willing to go with me. I was so unsure of what to expect. What kind of group was this? Were they going to brainwash me? lol Would it be some kind of crazy cult thing? I really wasn't sure what to expect.... I can't imagine if I never knew anyone who had gone before and knew a bit about it. Anyone who puts themselves out there is really brave.
We took a bus out to the retreat space where we would be spending the next 4 days. I was already starting to feel comfortable just meeting a few people and the organizers and facilitators who are amazing and so great at what they do. I wasn't used to talking openly about all of the pain and heartache that cancer brings into your life. One day we spoke about the losses that we experience because of cancer and we were writing them on our rocks. I got to the second rock and all of a sudden the grief all boiled up inside me and I ran out of the room embarrassed. I hid in my room and bawled making noises I didn't even realize I had in me. I realized that I had been holding all of this in and just trying to be positive. I was trying to just focus on what was good in my life and pushing away from the other feelings that were there. I was so afraid of what was to come, of losing my identity, my dignity and my hope. One of the facilitators came in to comfort me and just hold me until the crying and shaking stopped. It was the moment I could begin to heal; maybe not physically but emotionally.
Over these four days I learned so much about myself, I was so inspired by the wise survivors who I met. I watched an epic film called Wrong Way to Hope https://youtu.be/uzh9H-wBKeU which changed the way I looked at living with cancer. Breaking limitations, believing, finding peace, hope & understanding were now things that I was moving toward. This retreat changed my life. Here's a link to the YACC website.... http://www.youngadultcancer.ca/
My roommate had just been on a retreat through a different organization called the Callanish Society. Some of the facilitators were on my retreat so I got to meet them and my roomie thought another retreat for deeper healing would be right up my alley and she was right. Thanks so much for that! It took me a couple years to get there but I found myself on a retreat looking for more answers. Wow! What an amazing experience! I'm not going to pretend that it was easy putting myself out there but it was so worth it. Through the week we would do different sessions which would help us to work through different areas in our lives. I can't even put into words how amazing these survivors have been to me in my life over the years and retreats that I've been lucky enough to be able to attend. It has completely transformed the way I've been able to live my life and I will be forever grateful for these people in my life! I was able to attend a retreat a few years ago with an inspiring group of women which was turned into a beautiful film. Here's the link if you want to watch..... https://www.callanish.org/the-film/ I have learned so much from the stories that I heard and the way that others were dealing with living this disease - and not just living but living really well. These ladies will always have a special place in my heart.
Today marks 8 years since we found out that I had metastatic cancer and would need urgent brain surgery. So hard to believe that I was given such a poor prognosis at that time, getting escorted from CT by Neurosurgeons in their white coats with my mom. These last 8 years have been such a gift to us. Being here to see my 3 little men grow into these awesome teenagers is such a miracle. This has always been the hope - more time.
So, a little update on the latest..... I had a scan a few weeks ago and it showed that the cancer has progressed in the brain since radiation. Since I no longer need care from Cancer Care I have been getting treated by my family doctor solely. It's always difficult when there's a shift like this in your treatment but once again my team has made this transition very smooth. Saying good bye to my oncologist and nurse was difficult after being connected with them for so long but I know that they have done everything possible that they could. I'm so thankful for my doctor who kept me healthy for so many years through medicine and became part of the family (my family even slipping and calling him Uncle Wong at times) lol... and the nurses who each played such a huge role in my healing; angels I believe that were sent to help me through different stages of my journey. Once again my doctor and nurses through Palliative Care are so supportive and amazing and I feel have been brought into my life for a reason.
And so we continue on day by day living one moment at a time. I'm actually feeling quite well and so have been able to continue on living pretty normally. Of course, there's good days and bad days and a lot to think about and plan for but since these thoughts have been here for a long time it makes things a bit easier. We still feel that no one really knows what can or will happen. We've learned to expect the unexpected over the years with no one ever being able to guess what will happen so we're going to keep with that idea. I've been spending a lot of time with my family and this has been priceless. Christmas is such a special time of year and always has been for us. Having the holidays to focus on is wonderful! As this season comes I hope you can all take time for yourselves and your loved ones and just breathe it all in!
xoxo Natalie
Saturday, December 9, 2017
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