Thursday, December 2, 2010

Holiday Spirit!

I hope that everyone is getting into the holiday spirit! I find myself really trying this year to feel the joy of the holidays. For some reason it is not coming easily for me this year. On Monday I took the two younger boys to see the Air Command Band play at the Legion and they were fantastic! Feeling a little more in the mood after that. Last year during the holidays I was feeling so much. Grateful for life, family, friends, love. I really felt like something magical was happening around me. This year I am struggling with this. Is it because of the drug I am on? Is it that the shock of my diagnosis over the past year has been finally sinking in? I did get the results of my brain MRI last week which were great! No changes on my scan which is what we always hope for. This is fabulous news right? I should feel relief, happy.... I think I would feel all of these things if on the very same day as I was receiving this great news over the phone I wasn't literally waiting in another specialists office. As I hung up my phone with the Gamma Knife nurse, the oncologist specializing in head and neck cancers came in to see me. I was there for a follow up appointment for the goiter that I have on my thryoid. Apparently, there is a nodule on my thyroid apart from the goiter that he wants to biopsy.

What could this nodule be I ask him. Well, it could be melanoma though very unlikely. Melanoma usually does not spread to the thyroid, although it does happen. It could be a benign lesion (meaning no big deal). Let's hope for that! Or it could be another cancer - thyroid cancer. Another totally different type of cancer which is treated with surgery and radiation. He reassures me that even if it is a primary thryoid cancer it is very treatable. No worries - nothing to lose sleep over. He tells me I have enough going on right now and we'll do the biopsy to find out what this is but my focus right now should be on finishing the Interferon. Really? You are telling me that I may have another type of cancer and may need a whole other treatment regime but I shouldn't worry about it?

So now we wait.... Again. I keep reminding myself that chances are it is nothing. But being told already 3 times that I have cancer I do know that the possibility is there. I just hope that they get me in for this biopsy soon so I can really relax and make room in my heart for that magical feeling of Christmas.

I hope that one day it will happen when I can get wonderful news and just leave it at that. No buts, no ands, no maybes... For now I will focus on all the wonderful things happening in my life starting with having no evidence of disease. My three boys who are waiting in excited anticipation for Santa to come to our house. My husband who is riding this crazy rollar coaster ride with me and holding my hand the whole time. My family who no matter how difficult things get are always there and are full of love and hope. My friends, new and old who are always there to make me smile and take my mind off of all things cancer related. I really could go on and on.... This is making me feel better already! Why live in a world of what-if's? If I do that then I miss out on all the wonderful things that are acually happening in my world at that very moment. May we all find that peace and joy that the holidays can bring us.


  1. Dear Natalie, I just love reading your blog. So honest. I am someone who loves Christmas, but I feel sometime there is a lot of "pressure" to be in the spirit. That makes me wonder; What exactly does it mean to be "in the spirit"?

    Reading what has been going on for you in the past few weeks, I think you are the definition of what the Holidays should be about.
    I mean, you are loving, grateful and aware of what is good around you. You think of your children, your husband, friends and family. You give. You do all of that while dealing with uncertainty, and questions. Santa will be proud:-)

    I do hope things will turn out good and I will think of you. In the mean time, worry can share a place in your heart with joy and I know that with your openness and strength, the spirit of the holidays will be in you way before the D date:-).

    happy Holidays to the Love's

  2. have a great xmas Natalie.

  3. Dear are an amazing woman - you are honest thoughtful and full of spirit..always.
    As I read your blog this time I just know you can and you will...and as I look and enjoy the pictures of you and your family ..your makes me smile. Thank you ..always keep smiling because it is great FABULOUS Dawling...
    If God will bring you to it...He will bring you through it...always.
    Take care
    Live laugh love always

  4. Hi Natalie

    Dawn Bourque in Stonewall sent me your blog link via facebook. I'm launching a show (first online and then on CJOB 68) called GirlTalk with Marlo. I'll be looking for inspiring guests related to women's issues in current events. You can find out more about me and the show at - there are a number of ways to connect with me there. Hope to chat with you soon.