Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A break from treatment

Hello everyone. I received some disappointing news today from my nurse. I have been taking a biological therapy treatment for the last 3 weeks. They are stopping my treatment for a week because of my blood results. Apparently my neutrophils have become too low and this leaves me vulnerable to infection so we have to take a break. I was so looking forward to finishing up this last week before going on the self injections. I'm really looking forward to getting my PICC line out. I almost burst into tears on the phone with her this afternoon. I guess I'm a bit of an over-achiever. I wanted everything to go perfectly. Now things are delayed by a week and next week when I start up again they can only give me half of the dose. Will this affect the end result of taking this treatment? Just one more question to ask my doctor and I already know what the answer will be. "We don't know". There is so much unknown about this disease and the treatment for it that I find so frustrating! I should listen to Jeff. He says that maybe a break would be good right now. Give me some time to recuperate and get feeling better before starting up again. He's probably right.

Anyway, back to my story......

It was time for surgery and I had to face all of my biggest fears. What was going to happen? The boys went to school as normal on this day. We really wanted to keep them in their routines as much as possible. They are surrounded by very caring, loving teachers and staff at their schools which I took for granted before now. I was nervous but like I said I felt a calmness come over me. Waiting in the day surgery area was not much fun at all. The receptionist there was very loud and obnoxious yelling at everyone. Jeff and I went for a walk to get away from all the craziness. It was making me very uptight and stressed. I really think that when you're waiting to go in for surgery, whether it's a toenail removal or brain surgery that they should have a nice, peaceful area for you to relax. Maybe some nice spa music and soft lighting. Anyway, I still have to write my letter to the hospital making these suggestions. This was the one and only negative part of my experience at HSC so I guess I shouldn't complain. I was surrounded by family while we waited for my turn. Jeff, my mom, Christine, Laura and my Auntie Debbie were all here to visit with me while we waited. My dad stayed back at home to pick Kaden up from school and look after the kids until Jeff got home.

As the hours went by I started to get more and more panicked. My surgery was supposed to be hours ago but apparently they had changed the time and didn't tell us. They also ran into complications during the surgery before mine so it was delaying things. I was hoping that this unknown person would be alright. I tried remaining patient as a good patient should. I'd rather the surgeon take his time and maybe even have a little rest before beginning my surgery. Then I saw him.... They wheeled a patient in on the stretcher across from me and I knew right away that it was him. My Grandpa!? I could not take my eyes off of him. I knew that it couldn't really be him as my Grandpa had passed away years ago yet here he was in front of me. He looked over at me with the same smile I recognized from when I was a little girl and he nodded his head as if to say to me, "Everything's going to be OK, sweetheart." I looked over at my mom and she was just as shocked as I was. So it wasn't in my head. She recognized him too!! I could not look at anything other than him. The doctor came in and gave him some bad news and his daughter started crying but he was still looking over at me smiling and nodding his head. A thought popped into my head. Was he here for me? Is this what happens? But I knew by the way he was looking at me that no he wasn't taking me anywhere and I was going to be OK. It was a sign that I was going to be looked after by my loved ones. My mom and I talked about it later and she felt the same way that I did. Peaceful, calm, and reassured.

The nurse then came in to let us know that they may have to postpone my surgery. What??!! We were all not happy to say the least. Postpone until tomorrow? This would mean that I would have to go home for the night and go through all this again the next day. No way!! No one was very happy about this. Not long after her announcement she came back in to say that the surgeon was ready for me. Thank goodness. Back to feeling calm again. As I am wheeled through the halls everything was a blur. Literally, because they had taken my glasses from me. I couldn't see much of anything. The boy pushing my wheelchair looked no older than Tyler. He stopped so that we could all say our goodbyes - for now. We all ended up in tears and I had a hard time letting go of Jeff. The boy continued on down the hall and through the doors into surgery........

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