I'm finding it hard to decide how to write this entry. Do I write it honestly or pretend that I'm feeling amazing. What does it mean to have strength? Does it mean that you push out all of the bad feelings and only feel the good ones? Do I pretend that everything is wonderful and I couldn't be happier? I want to be a strong person and give others strength but I'm struggling with this. Am I only showing the positives of having cancer? You can look at it anyway you want but cancer sucks!! There may be some wonderful things that come out of having cancer - a real love of life, true compassion for others and for yourself, getting out of things you may not want to do (Sorry, I can't make it. I have cancer.), getting off the phone with a telephone solicitor quickly (Sorry I can't support your cause or buy what you're selling. I have cancer.), getting ahead in the line at the grocery store (Sorry, can I just go ahead of you. I have cancer.) OK I've never actually used any of these but I have thought about! I focus on the here and now. I have my life. I have wonderful, caring family and friends around me. Most people I have met going through this focus their energy on these things. But if I were being truly honest I would say that it sucks. Being faced with your own mortality is a very scary thing. Because I am afraid, does this mean that I am not a strong person?
You are probably wondering where all this is coming from. We found out yesterday that the tumour I had removed from my lung is cancer - melanoma. It looks like they got it all which is a relief but what does this mean? I am back to square one - Stage IV melanoma with metastasis to the brain and lung (no evidence of disease) Scary stuff! What am I going to do about this? I'm going to go back on the treatment I was on before surgery (Interferon) and turn my body into a cancer fighting machine by eating healthy and boosting up my immune system. I am going to take better care of myself. I am going to enjoy every minute with Jeff and the boys. I am going to take more chances and do the things that I've always been too afraid to do. I'm not going to take this gift called life for granted.....
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Strength Natalie is truly you! For your honesty of your fears, your fight against this monster of a disease, you bearing your true emotions! Strength doesn't mean being up beat and positive all the time, it is being honest! Thinking about you and your family lots!
ReplyDeleteChrissy
Your candor (and humor ;) ) is so appreciated Natalie. I wish I could express how I feel reading this over the internet, but I don't think it is possible. I know you will get through this. You have so much love and positive energy coming your way and you are surrounded by so much good energy. Take all that you need from everyone around you. If there is anything I can do for you, just let me know. So much love!!
ReplyDeleteNaaz