Fight

Is it the rain that's making me feel so yucky or is it that all the fun I was having was too much and is catching up to me. I blame it on the weather! I went in for my routine appointment on Wednesday and was sort of taken by surprise at what happened. I have been having some strange sympoms the last month or so and casually mentioned this to my doctor. I won't go into the gorry details but it's something that I really thought was no big deal. I guess when you have cancer there's nothing that isn't a big deal. He was very concerned and is sending me for another battery of tests and scans. Quite frankly - I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Can I give cancer back for a refund and get my money (or more literally my life) back?

I had my blood work done where he was testing a few specific levels along with my regular tests. They show that I am neutropenic which also happened to me during my high dose portion of treatment and leaves me very vulnerable to infections. A reminder that I need to slow down and take better care of myself. Rest more, eat better and excercise. They don't have to stop my treatment yet but it was very close. Hopefully this number will climb in the next few weeks. Good news - I'm not pregnant! I laughed when he asked me if this was a possibility. Could you imagine! That would just be the icing on the cake. No, that would not be good! All of my other blood work came back normal as well.

So now, the plan is I will go for a chest CT on Monday. Yes - Monday. My doctor does not mess around. And even though I just had a brain MRI he has ordered another one to be done ASAP. He wants to focus in more on certain areas of my brain. So this leaves me feeling now worried, scared, not wanting these crazy scans anymore, wondering why I didn't just keep my mouth shut. On the other hand I am very grateful that my medical team is there behind me fighting for me when I am too tired or don't realize that I need to be fighting. It scares me that they expect the cancer to come back. They are just waiting and watching for it. I want to believe that I am different. It's not going to come back with me. I'm going to be healthy one day and not have to worry about this monster coming back into my life again. I have heard those three frightening, life changing words three times already - You have cancer. I don't want to hear them again.

I was really looking forward to a break. I believe a well deserved break. Guess I just have to wait a little bit longer than I thought. On a more positive note I have been thinking about registering for a conference for young adults in St. John's and after the past couple of days decided to go for it. Life is too short! We don't know what the future holds for us so we had better make the most of the time we have. We will be flying to St. John's for 4 days where I will meet up with some past friends and some new friends who also find themselves fighting this fight! They have planned an amazing conference and I am very excited to check it out! Give me something to look forward to and hopefully keep my mind off of worrying about this. Will keep you updated when my results come back.