Care-Free??

Well, we have sure been enjoying these past few weeks of sunshine! It has been so beautiful here! June was so busy with finishing up school and celebrating our two oldest boys' birthdays, 10 and 13 which is so hard to believe. Where does the time go? Jeff & I celebrated our anniversary - 11 years. We had a get together with the family for my mom's birthday! My parents celebrated their 45th anniversary last week. "45 years of happy love" as my 10-year old put it. Not to mention we had a BBQ at our place to celebrate Canada Day. The fireworks out here in Stonewall are amazing every year. So as you can tell we have been busy doing lots of celebrating! It's been nice too spending the days with the boys swimming and having time to relax not needing to be anywhere really at any time. It's been a nice change of pace. Of course though it hasn't been all fun...

I did wind up back at the doctor's last week (I can't seem to get away from that place) with some new issues. We don't really know if it's the Interferon that has done a number on my body or if this is from something else but my iron levels have been affected among other things so while I'm drinking extra green smoothies (lots of spinach) I am waiting for an appointment for an ultrasound and a consult with a gynacologist. I won't go into details but some of these symptoms are gyne-related. I am feeling pretty drained and tired but not nearly as much as I did a few months ago so hopefully the iron and B12 that I am now taking will take care of things and we can figure out what exactly is going on quickly.

Also, I am back to see the surgeon about the biopsy that I had done several weeks ago. It seems as things have healed up, a lump is still obvious in my arm and so now I hope that the area of concern was actually removed. There has been some confusion about what the pathology report actually came back as. I have been told that it was normal tissue and also that it was a mole so hopefully, at this appointment she can clarify things and maybe reassure me that the correct area was removed. She wasn't the one actually doing the biopsy, it was a resident. I've been trying to ignore this for the past few weeks but decided it was better to get it checked out. Will find out on Wednesday....

So the fun never ends!

I have learned this from the past week though: Trying to carve out a large piece of time completely free of health concerns at this point and time is not possible for me. My body (and mind) has been through alot over the past two years and now needs the time to heal. Trying to bounce right back into life before cancer is just making me feel like I'm failing because I can't do it. Longing for life without cancer is only leaving me feeling frustrated and I'm realizing that it's impossible to make things different then what they really are. It's difficult to shift this way of thinking. I have always thought of myself as a healthy person. When someone asks (usually a new doctor) how my health is my automatic response is "Great! I'm healthy, no problems. Oh yeah, except for the cancer. Other than that I'm really healthy." I sort of thought that in life after treatment I would be able to believe this but the reality is finally sinking in. Wikipedia tells me that I have a 9-15% chance of a 5-year survival - not liking those odds. Just so everyone knows, I don't believe in statistics, I am not a statistic and I don't feel that anyone can predict what will happen in the future. But the truth is I do read them. My doctor does not like to discuss prognosis with me because he can't see the future. So I guess this leaves me with either scenerio A - I am in that 9-15% who survive at least 5 years, or B - I'm not, or C - I am different and when I'm 90-years old will be sitting in my rocking chair on my porch finally feeling like I have beaten cancer giving high-fives to everyone passing by!

If I had a choice, I would choose scenerio C!

So, although this summer isn't looking like it will be as care-free as I thought, it will definitely be fun-filled! We are planning a couple of weekend trips to get away and have some fun with the kids. I guess it comes back to balance again. Taking care of what needs to be done and then having some fun! My plans to return to work in the fall havn't changed and I am working at getting everything in place for this to happen. I am actually really looking forward to it! Life is all new now and will take some adjusting to figure everything out and find a balance. I do fully understand now how important it is to live in the present. The past is done and we can't change what has happened and the future is unknown so the only thing that I am sure about is this very moment.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji